Despite contrary rumors, there are many arguably important issues being discussed in Congress. No one, however, is interested, and the media universe is reeling from lost viewership. Said one CBS V.P., “Messy and reality-based matters like budgets and foreign policy have cratered Congress’s popularity and the country is bored. Folks have turned to books and outdoor activities!” Network advertising revenue has fallen steeply “ever since they starting talking about things that involve arithmetic, like budgets.”
Frightening. Yet, a flash of public interest followed from Congresswoman Lauren Boebert’s recent Bettlejuice caper. A studio V.P. observed, “There we have avant garde, boobs flying out of a tres chic Latvian cocktail dress, in a public place with video footage! That’s programming!” Indeed, networks cashed in on the minute-by-minute coverage: overnight polls showed Congress’s popularity doubling from 2% to 4% and media viewership increased 125%.
From his mouth to John Fetterman’s ears.
Apparently, Pennsylvania’s Senator John Fetterman’s was listening. He, like Boebert and Margery Taylor Greene in the House, is the Senate’s fashionista in residence, although often criticized for his comfortable attire. However, once again pushing his stylistic choices on a frightened Senate, he showed up for work two days ago, post Boebert, in an artfully disarranged ensemble of shorty pajamas, trendy Carhartt sweatshirt, and spiffy black Nike’s, sans socks. Once criticized, now lionized.
Reacting quickly to the sea change, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer removed the overly formal “suit and tie” dress code. “Now, anything and everything is allowable. This new dress code will provide the American people the incentive to restore the public’s attention and simultaneously help the media reclaim its audience. I say to senators, get out your booty shorts!” And some appear poised to do so, notably, Maine Senator Susan Collins. Within moments of Schumer’s dress code announcement, she sought out reporters to give notice of her excitement, “I plan to wear a bikini tomorrow to the Senate floor.” Perhaps John Fetterman will be her escort . . .