Category: Political humor

Trump, the Futurist

Michael Matheron1 Comment

Trump 1.0 and during his 2021-2025 “vacation” never missed an opportunity to directly blame President Biden for any significant financial market sell offs despite the fact that, for example, the S&P 500’s growth rate under Democrats is 10% compared with 6.7% under Republicans. Trump posted on True Social in July 2020: “If you want your 401k’s and stocks…to disintegrate and disappear, vote for the Radical Left Do Nothing Democrats and Corrupt Joe Biden,” In reality, reported CNN, “with Biden in the White House, the US stock market not only preserved those Trump-era gains, but generated even more massive ones for millions of Americans’ 401(k) plans, nest eggs and college savings plans.”

But now with the markets lately off by significant percentage points, Trump is now apparently has changed, he’s now Future Man! Stock market? Schmockmarket! Just wait a few years, it’ll come back. Here’s what he told FOX News’ Maria Bartiromo, on a show called – speaking of the future – Sunday Morning Futures. Introducing Future Man . . .

BARTIROMO: Before you came into the Oval Office the first time, you were a very successful businessman, very successful real estate executive. And a lot of people said, oh, this is the business president. This is it. He’s watching the stock market. He knows all about — he doesn’t want the market to go down. And now we have got tariffs, and the market has been going down.

TRUMP: Well, not much, I mean, in all fairness, not much.

BARTIROMO: You said, look, we’re going to have a disruption, but we’re OK with that. Is that what you meant? The stock market going down was the disruption?

TRUMP: There will be a little disruption.

BARTIROMO: What other disruption were you alluding to?

TRUMP: Look, what I have to do is build a strong country. You can’t really watch the stock market. If you look at China, they have a 100-year perspective. We have a quarter. We go by quarters.

BARTIROMO: That’s true.

TRUMP: And you can’t go by that. You have to do what’s right. What we’re doing is, we’re building a tremendous foundation for the future, tremendous foundation. Everything’s been taken away. We don’t make ships anymore.

Rumors of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Death are Premature

Michael Matheron1 Comment

Edgar Rice Burroughs, acclaimed author of 26 Tarzan books, is apparently still collecting social security benefits. Or so said Elon Musk, megamind leader of DOGE, during a joint presser with Trump. Burroughs was born 1875 which puts him at the very ripe age of 175. Explaining that DOGE discovered many 175-year-olds are also receiving monthly checks, he informed:

“There’s crazy things, like, just a cursory examination of Social Security and we’ve got people in there that are about 150 years old . . . Now, do you know anyone that’s 150? I don’t. They should be in the Guinness Book of World Records, they’re missing out.”

Here’s the true story, however, that Musk and his twenty-something mini megaminds did not know because they have done, it seems, zero research about the SSA database. As reported by Daily Kos:

“Reports say that his group at DOGE is made up of fairly young people.  What those kids don’t realize is that Social Security uses VERY OLD computers.  They’re programmed with an old version of the programming language COBOL.

A bit of history.  On May 20, 1875 a bunch of countries got together to create the International Bureau of Weight and Measures which established uniform standards of mass and length.  Later on, the Bureau established rules for dates as well.  The dates standard used a starting date of May 20 1875 to honor the creation of the Bureau. Old versions of COBOL use that date as a baseline.  Social Security’s computers use that old version. Dates are stored as the number of days AFTER May 20 1875.

So what happens if Social Security doesn’t know a birthdate?  That field is empty in its records.  Thus that person appears to have a birthday of May 20 1875—about 150 years ago. That’s why the crack team of youngsters Musk uses found 150-year-old people in Social Security getting benefits.  It’s all really as simple—and as stupid—as that.

You’d think that those bright MAGAheads would notice that ALL those 150 year olds have THE SAME BIRTHDAY:  May 20, 1875. But they didn’t.  Genius Elon Musk didn’t.  And, of course, STABLE GENIUS Donald Trump didn’t either.”

Mr. Burroughs could not be reached for comment.

MUSK EMAIL

Michael Matheron1 Comment

DOGE-Master Elon Musk issued an ultimatum to federal employees on February 25th saying in a post on his social media platform X that federal employees – untold millions of them – must respond to an email justifying the work they completed this week or resign.

Being the good sport that he is Musk submitted his own list as an example of a “good week'”:

Five things I did this week to justify my federal job to myself:

Installed invisible puppet strings on Trump
Introduced neurolink biochips into Trump’s Diet Cokes
Ignored two of my children’s health crises because…..well….I was busy working
Cut myself shaving with my CPAC honorary gold chainsaw
Declared Trump a Non Player Character in my new video game



Trump’s Golf Game: “He Cheats Like a Mafia Accountant”

Michael Matheron1 Comment

“Great day with the #President. A gracious host. And, he shot a 68!
My recommendation, try the Trump Burger!”
Kevin O’Leary,
Self described Chairman of O’Leary Ventures and Beanstox, 5 X Emmy Shark Tank’s
Mr. Wonderful, Wine Maker, Watch, Crypto, AI & Guitar Guy, Photographer & Chef
Twitter/X post, January 12, 2025.

Yesterday, Donald Trump enjoyed a round of golf with one of his biggest fans, Kevin O’Leary of Shark Tank fame where he’s best known for treating contestants with rough handling disdain. Although O’Leary is only a cento-millionaire he’s a billionaire in self-satisfied narcissism and, as such, a self-satisfied MAGA enthusiast, particularly his enthusiasm for tax cuts, regulation decimation, banking regs in particular – basically anything that interferes with his pursuit of as many more cento-millions that are available.

In any event, O’Leary’s assertion that Trump shot a 68, on standard par 72 golf courses that would be four under par, a score that would be welcomed by most professional tour golfers. In truth, Trump is not a poor golfer, he has the ability to score in the mid-80s. As a former golfer I can attest that moving from scores in the mid-80s (roughly shooting 13 over par, on average) to a sub-par round of 68, especially Trump’s age (78) is spectacularly unlikely for all but the best players in that age range, for example, Gary Player or Lee Trevino. Trump is neither of those except in his delusional brain salad.

“Donald Trump is the worst cheat ever and he doesn’t care who knows,” Rick Reilly says as he describes a man he has known for 30 years. “I always say golf is like bicycle shorts. It reveals a lot about a man. And golf reveals a lot of ugliness in this president.

Rick Reilly, author Commander in Cheat, How Golf Explains Trump

It will not surprise Trump aficionados, of course, that Trump is a notorious golf cheat, known far and wide as among the most determined cheaters ever to don a polo shirt: simply google “notorious golf cheats.” His own hometown newspaper, The Palm Beach Post, ran a 2023 story, Donald Trump and golf: Fancy resorts, A-list partners, cheating at highest level, well worth reading. Among a wellspring of examples, he kicks errant shots back onto the fairway; he brazenly reports his scores on, for instance, a par five hole as a four although his golf partners counted at least nine shots; he tosses and kicks his shots out of sand traps; he improves his golf balls’ positions on the fairway; he also has his caddies cheat for him. How does he accomplish much of this? He has a supercharged golf cart so he can reach his shots before his partners!

In short, according to sportswriter and golfer, Rick Reilly, who came out of retirement to write Commander in Cheat, Trump cheats “like a Mafia accountant.” His misrepresentations go beyond just merely kicking a ball out of a sand trap, Reilly further reports: “I kept seeing on [Trump’s] Twitter feed: ‘I’m a champion. You should vote for me because I’ve won 18 club championships.’ Whoa! That’s a lie because [he] already told me how [he] did it. Whenever [I] open a new course, [I] play [the very first round] by [myself] and declare [myself] the first club champion.’”

Summing up, Donald Trump scoring a 68 would be a biblical miracle. And Kevin O’Leary telling the truth about it would be as well. . .

Trump Plagiarized Adolf Hitler in Immigration Rant, Here’s the Proof!

Michael Matheron1 Comment
Uh Oh!! One thousand times. UH OH!

Trump has been ranting lately, most notably in his debate with Kamala Harris, that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Missouri are “eating the dogs, the people who came in, they’re eating the cats.” This most recent of Trump’s immigration fables turns out to be balderdash, of course. And, as usual, MAGA enthusiasts have fallen for it, disbelieving the reports exonerating Haitians, apparently dismissing JD Vance’s admission that he, who first reported this imaginary story, had made it all up, unapologetically.

In any event, an enterprising group of Tik Tok users employed AI to discover that Trump had plagiarized his comment about the Haitian-dog-cat controversy directly from one of Adolf Hitler’s speeches. He too was vexed by immigration, especially from Haiti whose citizens yearned for peaceful and bountiful lives in Nazi Germany, and of course, for the wiener schnitzel and beer. Below is the sordid proof of Trump’s plagiarism:

Trump plagiarism

Whether Trump will face disciplinary action, or criminal indictment for his flagrant infringement of Adolf Hitler’s copyright is the question of the day. He certainly has violated Hitler’s rights to ownership of his own words. Plagiarism, as defined, can be considered a violation of copyright law if it infringes on the original author’s copyright, patent, or trademark. In this case, the copyright owner can sue the plagiarist in federal court.

Adolf Hitler. age 135, with
his lawyers in Brasília.

Also, in some cases, plagiarism can be considered a felony under state or federal law. For example, if a plagiarist copies and earns more than $2,500 from copyrighted material, he/she may face up to $250,000 in fines and up to ten years in jail. The value of Trump’s use of Hitler’s words could be determined to be in excess of $2,500 as it has brought him value due to the absolute delight that MAGA supporters drew from attack on immigrants (the Springfield Haitians, by the way, are in the United States legally). Also, Trump continues to use the phrase at the drop of a hat.

Whether this event will draw Adolf Hitler out of retirement in Brazil to bring suit, or to make a criminal complaint remains to be seen. He has been understandably reclusive for the past 79 years. It will be interesting to see, because it isn’t wise to aggravate Adolf Hitler. My money’s on Hitler.

Biden Robs the Federal Reserve After the Supreme Court’s Presidential Immunity Decision

Michael Matheron2 Comments
President Joe Biden captured on Federal Reserve camera

This morning, acting quickly on the Supreme Court’s decision granting presidential immunity from criminal prosecution, President Biden robbed the Federal Reserve. A mere 22 hours after the Court’s decision, and accompanied by dozens of armed Secret Service agents, the President, disguised in a black mask and sunglasses, plundered the nation’s bank of all of its cash on hand. While personall directing what he called “a cash withdrawal,” he explained that in accordance with the court’s decision yesterday:

“I’m simply exercising one of the core powers of the presidency which includes assuring that the banking system is acting in the best interests of the nation. I decided that the Federal Reserve was not. Therefore, I am seizing their cash until such time as I decide to give it back.”

Under the Supreme Court holding, the President may engage in what some might call criminal behavior and may not be prosecuted for it after leaving office. Also, it is already established as Department of Justice policy that a president may not be criminally indicted during his tenure. The Supreme Court, however, did not grant carte blanche permission for presidents to act unlawfully and escape prosecution after they leave office. For example, his audacious Federal Reserve heist, might, by some, be considered to be not among his core powers, which include those actions that can only be taken by the president, including the naming of ambassadors, acting as Commander-in-chief, and issuing pardons. Other presidential actions, the Court held, outside of his core powers may be examined by a court to determine whether they are nonetheless within overall presidential powers, and a prosecution of a former president could be brought if his actions are adjudged as “unofficial acts” undertaken, for instance, for personal benefit alone.

President Biden reflected on this immediately after robbing the Federal Reserve of all of its currency on hand, perhaps billions of dollars:

“As president, I have a responsibility to protect the American people from bank fraud. As soon as the court handed down its decision in Trump v. United States, I decided that the Federal Reserve was engaging in bank fraud. Don’t ask why, the court said I don’t have to tell you, but I assure the American people that none of this cash will be used to finance my reelection campaign. Not a penny. So don’t worry. Really. In any event, my borrowing the Federal Reserve’s cash foe safekeeping is well within my powers because as head of the executive branch I’m responsible for a multitude of banking-related agencies. What Republicans may label as a smash-and-grab operation is well within the plethora of official acts which I may undertake. If Mitch McConnell objects take it up with the Supreme Court. Regardless, I will secure this cash in the White House itself, within perhaps the best guarded building in the country for the duration of my time as president which will be until 2029. After that, we’ll see what the Supreme Court has to say.”

It all makes sense to me, and I look forward to President Biden’s next official act, which may occur this very day as the President was heard directing his getaway limousine driver to “head to the U.S. Mint.” Whether pillaging the Federal Reserve is a presidential power or not, at least this caper will take the spotlight off Donald Trump for a news cycle.

Demand Letter from My Loyal Doggie

Michael Matheron1 Comment

From the desk of Woofy Delano Roosevelt
July 4, 2024

Respectfully submitted

Sir, A hearty Happy Independence Day to you! I wish you well. Nonetheless, I must again revisit the unfortunate issue that has occupied us for a number of years, i.e. the matter of my nutritional desires. This disagreement is so familiar to us that I shall jump in with both feet without delay.

Bone?!? You apparently expect me to ‘gnaw’ on a bone?  I sit upright, my good man. I wear a fez. I read Proust and Pynchon and giggle at the whimsies of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While you slave away for “the man” at your ludicrously meaningless donkeywork, my days pass in contemplation, yoga, bridge with the poodles down the street, and a dalliance with a ravishing Great Dane. Oh, and during your absences I sleep in your bed, oh yes, and quite soundly. So, in summation, you “gnaw” on the bone, sir, if you please. It suits you. Employ those overrated opposable thumbs.

As for my purpose in writing, it is once again regarding the matter of my daily meals. As you know, we have fought long and repeatedly over this matter. I have often maintained – without rancor, mind you – your choice of nutrition for me borders on barbarous. Kibble I shall not nibble! My entreaties for the addition of a hint of baked apple in my so-called meals have long been unheeded. Nota bene, I seek a mere hint of baked apple; as always, my requests are as minimal as they are respectful. Nonetheless, I again implore: Immediately respond with action to fulfill my reasonable nutritional needs, or I shall be forced, quite against my disposition, to bring suit in a court of equity jurisdiction for full performance, compensatory, and punitive damages that, in practical terms, would be far more expensive than hints of baked apple.

We may, however, settle this amicably, still. Note that the fine canine nutritional company, Kibbles ‘N Bits, has long and successfully offered what they call Bistro Meals. These rich blends are offered in both Oven Roasted Beef Flavor and Grilled Chicken Flavor, each with a sophisticated mix of vegetables. And, for the educated palate, as my own, each blend features what I most desire, a hint of baked apple. Picture my elation when you bring home my first Bistro Meal. Better, this: Picture the return of your slippers, your various socks, your “little black book,” your iPhone, your hairpieces, and your strangely alluring rubberized blow-up girlfriend. Each has been carefully preserved in perfect condition.

I regret this matter has reached this juncture, but it pleases me to offer a mutually beneficial compromise. See Bistro Meals. As you often suggest to me when we happily play at boules, “Fetch. Good boy, good boy.”

With hopes for a congenial settlement of this endlessly pending matter, I remain, as always, your loving, loyal, and devoted Woofy.

Sincerely,
Woofy Delano Roosevelt

cc:  Law Firm of Williams & Connoly
     A.S.P.C.A.
     P.E.T.A.
     My veterinarian

Steve Bannon’s Prison Commissary List

Michael Matheron1 Comment

Good news for Steve Bannon who soon will have his first commissary visit at his home away from home, the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury Connecticut. He’s wasted no time filing out his order form which we acquired from a correctional officer who doesn’t “like the bum.”

The Brave Steve Bannon – From “Victory or Death!” to “Victory or Prison, I Guess . . .”

Michael Matheron1 Comment
“OK, I plead complete & total insanity. How’s that?” Michael V. Matheron, copyright

“(ORDER LIST: 603 U.S.) FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2024 ORDER IN PENDING CASE 23A1129
BANNON, STEPHEN K. V. UNITED STATES

The application for release pending appeal presented to The Chief Justice and by him referred to the Court is denied.”

The man with the sickly green complexion and jaundiced eyes, Steve Bannon, will have one more evening to scare the daylights out of us from his podcast, The War Room before his incarceration at BOP’s Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut.

I, for one, look forward to being able to relax for a while, he scares me so. With him in the hoosegow, I’ll not have to continue to hide in the basement (yes, of my Mother’s house) quivering, for four months anyway, that’s the length of his prison sentence for his contempt of Congress conviction, to begin tomorrow afternoon.

A Purple Heart Kind of Guy

He’s a brave man, one who advises his MAGA soldiers to offer up their lives for good MAGA causes, like liquidating Democrats. He had this to say two weeks ago at Turning Point USA’s People’s Convention, a gathering of recruits for General Bannon’s army which he will of course lead from the front should Donald Trump lose the election:

Between now and Election Day they’re going to try to take out so many people and that’s where it’s next man up, its next woman up. Are you prepared to fight? Are you prepared to give it all? Are you prepared to leave it all on the battlefield?

I can’t hear you and they can’t hear you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s very simple, victory or death.

Bannon oozes bravery. For example, he was brave enough to file multiple court attempts to avoid having to show up for prison tomorrow. Previous acts of bravery include his beseeching Trump for a pardon for his “Build the Wall” scam, for which his cohorts are presently serving long prison terms while he avoided federal prosecution altogether. New York state, however, has indicted Bannon for virtually the same fraud, money laundering and conspiracy crimes; the gift of Trump’s pardon does not apply to state prosecutions. See the NY AG’s indictment. His trial is in the offing, which, by the way, he characteristically commented on at a 2023 court appearance with “Let’s roll!” The courage of the man . . .

Brave as he is, though, according to the Daily Beast, “[H]e is dreading his soon-to-be-reality of being housed alongside sex offenders and violent criminals when he reports to prison in Connecticut on Monday, a source close to him told The Daily Beast on Friday. . . The source said that’s something Bannon is ‘quite concerned with.'” Surely, this anonymous source is mistaken. Major General Bannon,
being a brave man, will easily fend off any amorous entreaties by fellow inmates simply by the force of his reputation as a man who has survived many lawsuits and other white collar crime wartime experiences. 

If you would like to write your well wishes to the brave Mr. Bannon, here’s his address: 

Steve Bannon 05635-509.
FCI Danbury
FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
ROUTE 37
DANBURY, CT 06811