Tag: dogs

Trump Plagiarized Adolf Hitler in Immigration Rant, Here’s the Proof!

Michael Matheron1 Comment
Uh Oh!! One thousand times. UH OH!

Trump has been ranting lately, most notably in his debate with Kamala Harris, that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Missouri are “eating the dogs, the people who came in, they’re eating the cats.” This most recent of Trump’s immigration fables turns out to be balderdash, of course. And, as usual, MAGA enthusiasts have fallen for it, disbelieving the reports exonerating Haitians, apparently dismissing JD Vance’s admission that he, who first reported this imaginary story, had made it all up, unapologetically.

In any event, an enterprising group of Tik Tok users employed AI to discover that Trump had plagiarized his comment about the Haitian-dog-cat controversy directly from one of Adolf Hitler’s speeches. He too was vexed by immigration, especially from Haiti whose citizens yearned for peaceful and bountiful lives in Nazi Germany, and of course, for the wiener schnitzel and beer. Below is the sordid proof of Trump’s plagiarism:

Trump plagiarism

Whether Trump will face disciplinary action, or criminal indictment for his flagrant infringement of Adolf Hitler’s copyright is the question of the day. He certainly has violated Hitler’s rights to ownership of his own words. Plagiarism, as defined, can be considered a violation of copyright law if it infringes on the original author’s copyright, patent, or trademark. In this case, the copyright owner can sue the plagiarist in federal court.

Adolf Hitler. age 135, with
his lawyers in Brasília.

Also, in some cases, plagiarism can be considered a felony under state or federal law. For example, if a plagiarist copies and earns more than $2,500 from copyrighted material, he/she may face up to $250,000 in fines and up to ten years in jail. The value of Trump’s use of Hitler’s words could be determined to be in excess of $2,500 as it has brought him value due to the absolute delight that MAGA supporters drew from attack on immigrants (the Springfield Haitians, by the way, are in the United States legally). Also, Trump continues to use the phrase at the drop of a hat.

Whether this event will draw Adolf Hitler out of retirement in Brazil to bring suit, or to make a criminal complaint remains to be seen. He has been understandably reclusive for the past 79 years. It will be interesting to see, because it isn’t wise to aggravate Adolf Hitler. My money’s on Hitler.

Demand Letter from My Loyal Doggie

Michael Matheron1 Comment

From the desk of Woofy Delano Roosevelt
July 4, 2024

Respectfully submitted

Sir, A hearty Happy Independence Day to you! I wish you well. Nonetheless, I must again revisit the unfortunate issue that has occupied us for a number of years, i.e. the matter of my nutritional desires. This disagreement is so familiar to us that I shall jump in with both feet without delay.

Bone?!? You apparently expect me to ‘gnaw’ on a bone?  I sit upright, my good man. I wear a fez. I read Proust and Pynchon and giggle at the whimsies of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While you slave away for “the man” at your ludicrously meaningless donkeywork, my days pass in contemplation, yoga, bridge with the poodles down the street, and a dalliance with a ravishing Great Dane. Oh, and during your absences I sleep in your bed, oh yes, and quite soundly. So, in summation, you “gnaw” on the bone, sir, if you please. It suits you. Employ those overrated opposable thumbs.

As for my purpose in writing, it is once again regarding the matter of my daily meals. As you know, we have fought long and repeatedly over this matter. I have often maintained – without rancor, mind you – your choice of nutrition for me borders on barbarous. Kibble I shall not nibble! My entreaties for the addition of a hint of baked apple in my so-called meals have long been unheeded. Nota bene, I seek a mere hint of baked apple; as always, my requests are as minimal as they are respectful. Nonetheless, I again implore: Immediately respond with action to fulfill my reasonable nutritional needs, or I shall be forced, quite against my disposition, to bring suit in a court of equity jurisdiction for full performance, compensatory, and punitive damages that, in practical terms, would be far more expensive than hints of baked apple.

We may, however, settle this amicably, still. Note that the fine canine nutritional company, Kibbles ‘N Bits, has long and successfully offered what they call Bistro Meals. These rich blends are offered in both Oven Roasted Beef Flavor and Grilled Chicken Flavor, each with a sophisticated mix of vegetables. And, for the educated palate, as my own, each blend features what I most desire, a hint of baked apple. Picture my elation when you bring home my first Bistro Meal. Better, this: Picture the return of your slippers, your various socks, your “little black book,” your iPhone, your hairpieces, and your strangely alluring rubberized blow-up girlfriend. Each has been carefully preserved in perfect condition.

I regret this matter has reached this juncture, but it pleases me to offer a mutually beneficial compromise. See Bistro Meals. As you often suggest to me when we happily play at boules, “Fetch. Good boy, good boy.”

With hopes for a congenial settlement of this endlessly pending matter, I remain, as always, your loving, loyal, and devoted Woofy.

Sincerely,
Woofy Delano Roosevelt

cc:  Law Firm of Williams & Connoly
     A.S.P.C.A.
     P.E.T.A.
     My veterinarian

BREAKING! – South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem Revises Her Description of the Deaths of Her Puppy & Goat

Michael Matheron1 Comment

05-09-2024, 1:54 p.m., A News Network, Pierre, SD. Governor’s Office, for immediate release.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem released this statement:

My Dear South Dakota friends and supporters, I have recently ended my book tour which is among the most tragic events that this farm girl has ever suffered. It was caused by liars and vicious reporters in the extreme left wing commie-fascist media. Their claims about the deaths of my dog and goat that they say were included in my new book are untrue. Even the excerpts they’ve manufactured are fictitious. So powerful and sinister is the extreme left wing that they’ve managed to brainwash millions. It is, therefore, time for me to go on the offensive and attack our foes with the truth, the truth as I and God understand it.

No gross executions of my dog and goat took place. The truth is quite the opposite: In fact, it was I who was fired on first. I neither sought nor welcomed armed conflict and only did so as a self defense measure. My disgruntled 14-month-old dog Cricket and his vicious co-conspirator, an obnoxious old goat who strutted on the wrong side of the barnyard, chose to arm themselves with military grade weapons and, by trickery, ambush me for obviously Biden-inspired political reasons.

They began by secreting themselves on a chicken farm belonging to my dear neighbors. There, from their hiding places in a gravel pit, they opened fire on a dozen or more defenseless chickens, loading, shooting, and reloading 16-shot clips until they had devastated the chicken herd. When I was informed and arrived at the scene, I called out to them and asked that they cease their killing fire, instead, they turned their attention to me, their primary target, in a blood lust. They fired a dozen rounds as I hit the dirt and drew from my holsters one each of the several pistols and hand grenades I carry with me whenever I visit neighbors. I did not seek this confrontation. Yet, being a South Dakota farm girl I knew that firefights with livestock were a normal life activity, not to be shied away from, particularly by a strong governor who deserves higher office.

It was not long before Cricket began a flanking maneuver while the old craven goat laid down covering fire. I tossed a grenade, I fired my Glock, I nearly took a bullet as I ducked into the gravel pit only to be confronted by that devil goat looking for a gunfight, old western movie style. He hopped toward me, I dove to the left and drew my weapon, firing instinctively as I had done so many times before in shootouts with other farm animals. Being the kind of person South Dakotans want for Vice President in the coming election, I dropped that goat stone dead. Someone had to do it.

Meantime, Cricket had circled around me and growled that fake puppy sound that is meant to disguise their true intentions, but tells a South Dakota farmer that there was death in the offing, either for me or for Cricket. I turned on him and fired, he fired, then, we fought hand to paw, rolling in the sharp gravel that broke each of my fingernails clean off. Cricket tried the old cowards tactic of licking my face, a fake peace entreaty and far too late. A gunshot rang out. For a moment neither of us knew who’d been shot, if shot at all. After a moment I could see. And Cricket was no more. Someone had to do it.

This summary rebuttal of the vile left wing tampering with the text of my book will allow me to resume my nationwide book tour as of this evening when I will appear in Pierre’s Shotgun Shell Bar & Rifle Range, from 8:00 – 9:00 pm. Free beer for all the ladies! I am proud to be your governor until something better materializes. God bless & pass the ammo!

Dogs Get High and It’s Getting Worse!

Michael Matheron1 Comment

Ruh Roh!  I don’t often take a position on important issues here. My role is to just act like nothing is wrong with anything. Nonetheless, we need to take seriously the growing incidence of canine drug abuse. Dogs get high! I’ve seen it. Our neighbor’s dog, for example, fetches the morning paper and runs off into the woods to smoke it. I’ve witnessed so-called guard dogs sound asleep for no apparent purpose during daylight hours. Many dog owners ignore this growing trend. Too many.

Relaxed or just plain drugged out?

And it’s now getting worse. My research indicates dogs are now faking injuries to gain access to pain killers and, in many instances, to mind-altering anesthesia. These drug-seeking canines have learned to manipulate their human companions to set up needless veterinarian appointments by feigning everything from a severe limp to gas pains. Once in the doc’s office they literally beg for drugs, often seeking the quick “high” of cocaine-like pain killers. And they have no pain; it’s fakery, pure and simple. They sometimes seek surgery for fabricated stomach ailments simply to access the deeply hallucinogenic sleep phase followed by the “I see colors!” recovery state.

To investigate this, I’ve watched and analyzed dozens of YouTube videos. Dogs of all kinds, all sizes, all nationalities. All high. Mumbling, slobbering, wobbly, snorting highs, as the video above demonstrates; a golden retriever insensibly ignoring a tennis ball. “And what am I supposed to do with this?” asks his dumbfounded companion. Indeed.

The answer is simple but difficult to carry out: One must learn to notice when your canine friend is manipulating you. If, for example, he/she indicates a need to return to the vet four or more times per day, you have a manipulative dog, a dog reliant on demon drugs. If you find your Oreo cookies or ice cream stuffing Fido to the snout for no apparent reason, you have a drug sloshed dog. If Fido laughs out loud, again, for no apparent reason, well, by now you know, you have a manipulative, drug crazy mutt on your hands.

Find a local chapter soon

So, I hope the video of Hank begins a serious discussion of this worldwide emergency. Is it too late for Hank and his family? Witness his medical record. He was routinely “dizzy, disoriented, staggering left to right and falling over when trying to sit.” But the good news? Hank is now in counseling but with limited results thus far. In fact, his counselor is now in drug rehab so manipulated was he by Hank. Nonetheless, there is hope. As difficult as this problem is, veterinarians are learning to more fully examine canine patients to determine whether they are lying abut their injuries. Dog companions too attend workshops where they learn of the warning signs, such as playing with a kaleidoscope for hours on end. Dogs themselves are uniting to fight the good fight in Dogs Against Drugs campaigns.

If you are reading about this for the first time, be warned. Many will not learn of the sordid world of dog drug use. Police and other dog owners fear this may spread to their dogs, or worse, to squirrels and other woodland creatures. “We’re not too worried about cats, though,” said a Seattle Police Chief, “they’re pretty much high all the time, naturally.” I will update this posting as the story develops. For now, please take the opportunity to screen this video for your own canine, manipulative though he/she is.

Mutt Demands “A Hint of Baked Apple”

Michael MatheronLeave a comment

 April 15, 2011

From the desk of Reginald Delano Roosevelt
April 15, 2011

Dear Winston,

AHEM . . . Sir

“Bone?!? You Expect Me To ‘Gnaw’ On A ‘Bone’?!  I sit upright, my good man. I wear a fez. I read Proust and Pynchon and giggle at the whimsical stylings of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While you slave away for “the man” at your ludicrously meaningless donkeywork, my days pass in contemplation, yoga, bridge with the poodles down the street, and a dalliance with a ravishing little vamp of a Great Dane. Oh, and during your absences I sleep in your bed, oh yes, and quite soundly. So, in summation, you “gnaw” on the bone, sir, if you please. It suits you. Employ those overrated opposable thumbs.

As for my purpose in writing, it is once again regarding the matter of my daily meals. As you know we have fought long and repeatedly over this matter. I’ve often maintained – without rancor, mind you – your choice of nutrition for me borders on barbarous. Kibble I shall not nibble! My entreaties for the addition of a hint of baked apple in my so-called meals have long been unheeded. My warning remains in place since the last time I wrote you about this issue: Unless you immediately respond with action to my reasonable nutritional needs, I shall be forced, quite against my gentle disposition, to bring suit against you in a court of proper jurisdiction for compensatory and punitive damages.

We may, however, settle this amicably, still. Note that the fine canine nutritional company, Kibbles ‘N Bits, has long and successfully offered The Kibbles ‘n Bits Bistro Meals. These rich blends are offered in both Oven Roasted Beef Flavor and Grilled Chicken Flavor, each with a sophisticated mix of vegetables. And, for a palate as educated as my own, each blend features what I desire the most, a hint of baked apple! My associates in the neighboring residences are quite excited and as a result I have been ignominiously “mounted” on numerous occasions as a result. No harm done. Joy is as joy does. See Bistro Meals. Fetch. Good boy, good boy.

Your choice is clear. Endless litigation, or simple common sense. Picture my elation when you bring home my first Bistro Meal. Better this: Picture getting back your slippers, your various wallets, your “little black book,” your iPhone, your hairpieces, and your strangely alluring blow-up girlfriend.

With hopes for a congenial settlement of this endlessly pending matter, I remain, as always, your loving, though somewhat disgruntled, pooch, 

Reginald Delano Roosevelt

cc: Law Firm of Williams & Connoly
     A.S.P.C.A.
     P.E.T.A.
     My veterinarian