“It’s bad enough being flown upside down from from the Alitos flagpole, but this was galactically humiliating.” The American Flag, on filing suit against Donald Trump for sexual assault June 15, 2024
Early this morning in a Florida courthouse, the American Flag filed a civil suit against Donald Trump for damages from an alleged sexual assault during Donald Trump’s June 14th 78th birthday party. It is alleged that during Mr. Trump’s Palm Beach party,
“On numerous occasions during the evening of June 14, 2024 Mr. Trump did, (1) with both diminutive hands and without permission or warning, fondle, squeeze, and crush the defenseless complainant American Flag, and (2) with both lips and with tongue outstretched and without permission or warning, forcefully kiss the defenseless complainant American Flag.
Complainant seeks judgement and monetary damages for: (1) sexual assault, (2) mental distress, (3) damage to reputation, (4) medically bruised lips, (5) medical effects of severe vomiting in the wake of the assault, and (6) removal of Mr. Trump’s sweat stains from complainant American Flag’s body.”
Civil Doc. No. FL061424-666, June 16, 2024.”
The Trump campaign denies this occurred, despite being witnessed by numerous other American flags at the venue. Candidate Trump briefly deployed his oft-repeated criticisms that “Sleepy Joe Biden thought this up and paid the American Flag to bring this rigged lawsuit. Pelosi, witch hunts, election interference, it’s another Biden crime family crime spree!”
The Biden campaign, for its part, maintained, “Yet another set of lies from the disgraced felonious former fathead president. Democracy, Bidenomics, E. Jean Carroll, Russia, Russia, Russia, and where’s Melania?!”
Despite the full plate of Trump indictments and pending trials, we will strive to follow every lead in this new Trump-induced ludicrosity.
Yesterday, Ex VP Dick Cheney revealed that he “worships the ground that Paul Ryan walks on.” Mr. Ryan (R-WI), Chairman of the House Budget Committee, and champion of the embattled “Kill Medicare” budget provision, had no immediate comment. In fact, Mr. Ryan has made no comment on any topic whatever since Cheney’s endorsement. Or was Cheney intimating not so much a political endorsement as a declaration of romantic interest?
The Cheney Effect. At a KPMG Global Energy Institute event at the InterContinental Hotel in Houston, Mr. Cheney expressed his devout admiration for the Chairman of the House Budget Committee, Mr. Ryan, whose budget plan created a hornets nest of ill will among nearly 75% of the country’s citizens. Mr. Cheney, however, and nearly the entire GOP, Libertarians, and Tea Partiers embraced the plan warmly. The former VP under President Bush (“Dubya”) obviously embraced it more thoroughly than others, and was seen by reliable sources drooling and panting slightly as he spoke of Mr. Ryan. Mrs. Cheney later told reporters, “I didn’t see it coming. He can barely pull his pants on in the morning to shoot out the bedroom window at some tiny birds and neighbors. I’m mystified; really, totally stunned.”
Speculation began immediately whether Congressman Ryan, who occasionally expresses interest in a 2012 presidential run, could survive Cheney’s endorsement. Efforts to reach Mr. Ryan for comment were unsuccessful. His Chief of Staff indicated that Ryan’s doctors were with the disconsolate congressional firebrand, and administering intravenous Lexapro, Haldol, Ambien, Cialis, buffalo relaxant, and an experimental tranquilizer dart designed to safely bring rabid monkeys out of trees. “No success thus far,” according to an anonymous source, his wife, Janna Ryan.
“I’m not going to be intimidated, particularly by people from other places.“ Scott Walker, NYT Interview, February, 19, 2011
“. . . there’s a much smaller group of protesters—almost all of whom are in from other states today.” and “The guys [protesters] we’ve got left are largely from out of state, and I keep dismissing it in all my press conferences saying, ‘Eh, they’re mostly from out of state.’ “ Gov. Scott Walker speaking to the Buffalo Beast’s Ian Murphy February 22, 2011
As more and more protesters come in from Nevada, Chicago and elsewhere, I am not going to allow their voices to overwhelm the voices of the millions of taxpayers from across the state who think we’re doing the right thing. This is a decision that Wisconsin will make. Governor Walker during his “Fireside Chat,” February 22, 2011
During a February 23rd press conference about his chitchat with the fake David Koch, a seemingly humbler Scott Walker clarified his feelings about pro-public employee union protesters, “I appreciate the protesters from Wisconsin who are here.” Then he spoke more kindly of those people who he normally seemed to think of as a plague of locusts: “I welcome those who’ve come from other states.” Wow! From outside agitators to welcome guests. For someone who touts the consistency of his views, that’s quite a turnaround.
Hives, I say, hives! Some from out-of-state!!
Of course, this newly outsider-friendly Walker is the exception, by far. For Walker, distrust and disdain for the “outsiders” protesting alongside Wisconsin’s state employees is the norm. Moreover, his anti-outsider comments quoted above point to a general dislike for “out-of-staters” who try to influence Wisconsin politics, not just those who “invade” Wisconsin in support of government unions. It’s hard to see it any other way. After all, Walker is consistent in applying his principles; for example, he points with pride to his record as Milwaukee’s County Executive where he reduced public employees by 20%. He’s constantly pushed an austere version of fiscal responsibility; is an unwavering anti-abortion advocate; and always gets “tough on crime.” Obviously, he doesn’t like unions very much. . . Oh, yes, and “outsiders” give him hives. Perhaps that’s a clue.
“I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.” James Thurber.Like those allergic to cat dander, but not to cat noses, allergies are mysterious. I’m allergic to some cats, but not others. I can spend hours petting our cat, but wind up wheezing and weeping within minutes with my friend’s. It occurred to me, perhaps Governor Walker’s apparent moral inconsistency about out-of-staters is a serious allergy, beyond his control, even with medical science backing him up.
Is there an inoculation for close contact with Democrats? No, there isn’t, and I checked this with a friend who nearly got into a Wisconsin medical school but is now a semi-retired lawyer under investigation. Real doctors agree, however, one can become resistant to hives, runny noses, and teary eyes by spending more time with some of those things that make you allergic. That seems like a sure loser, I know, but I tried it. My doctor advised I spend more time with my cat. I did, and despite some early medical difficulties including bleeding from my ears and stroke, I have developed an immunity to my beloved cat’s aller-stuff.
Every Time I Pass An Illinois Democrat In A Hallway My Tongue Swells. Perhaps the same problem I faced with my cat is true of Governor Walker: He’s generally allergic to out-of-staters but for those he spends more time with, like out-of-state billionaires or members of Americans for Prosperity, the less allergic he is to them. After countless hours with these billionaire out-of-state allergen dispersal units, he’s free of allergic reactions. However, conversely, since he spends little time with those outsiders protesting in Madison, or with Democratic senators presently residing in Illinois, the more they continue to cause him coughing fits, hives, leeches, and carbuncles.
And that, my friends, is why the Governor cannot meet with Senate Democrats outside of Wisconsin’s border. He suffers from what is called “Outsider Induced Allergy Syndrome” (OIAS). Yesterday, he demonstrated his fear of the condition, when he answered Wisconsin’s own Democratic Senator Mark Miller’s request for a March 7th meeting at the Illinois-Wisconsin border with a resounding “No!” Although he didn’t fess up to this, Walker can’t get his doctor’s approval for fear of a flare up of OIASS.
And this despite the obvious: Those Democratic senators in Illinois are, after all, still Wisconsinites, and, as in-staters, Walker ought to be resistant to their allergens. Medical authorities within Wisconsin, though, are unwilling to take the chance that the senators-in-absence have become contaminated by crossing the border and remaining in Illinois. Also, of equal concern, there are suspicions that Walker is generally allergic to Democrats as a group. Moreover, according to one medical researcher, quoting an intern, who remembered something a public sector nurse said, “There are indications Walker’s also hyper-allergic to the middle class.”
Out-of-state campaign contributors are another group of outsiders Governor Walker has been able to tolerate medically. These medically-tolerable out-of-staters contributed more than $615,000 to candidate Walker’s campaign. Wisconsinites, to whom Walker is immune, contributed the lion’s share, of course. And the third category, “Unknown,” are apparently ghosts, extraterrestrials, little brown bats, or very confused short tailed weasels. They contributed sparsely, and therefore do not count in this comprehensive study. The important point is, however, that Walker suffered no medical harm from outsidecontributors’ allergens, proving there are some contacts with out-of-staters he can survive. His OIAS has some chinks in its armor. . . where money is concerned, the Governor is immune!
We Cannot Sit Idly By. Given Walker’s testy attitude, we might want to idle in neutral, even when we know of his disabling medico-political condition. But, we’re talking about a human being here, at least arguably. O.K., it’s a rabbinic-level argument. But we simply cannot allow Governor Walker’s OIAS to go unaddressed, although medical science, as we’ve seen, has bupkus to offer.
It’s quite likely that but for his bouts of OIAS, he wants to meet with his political opponents and carve out a compromise that keeps public employee collective bargaining rights strong. Maybe he’d be happy to back away from his draconian collective bargaining proposals, which, after all, he thought up – and he’s too embarrassed to admit it – after viewing a squirrely Glenn Beck episode. Surely, you can see, something needs doing if anything is going to get done. Let’s save Governor Walker! Get him allergy-free and there’s a chance – I believe, a good one – that all of Wisconsin’s Governor-induced mayhem (GAM) will disappear like a badger down a rat hole (if such a thing is possible, please advise).
