“It’s bad enough being flown upside down from from the Alitos flagpole,
but this was galactically humiliating.”
The American Flag, on filing suit against
Donald Trump for sexual assault
June 15, 2024
Early this morning in a Florida courthouse, the American Flag filed a civil suit against Donald Trump for damages from an alleged sexual assault during Donald Trump’s June 14th 78th birthday party. It is alleged that during Mr. Trump’s Palm Beach party,
“On numerous occasions during the evening of June 14, 2024 Mr. Trump did,
(1) with both diminutive hands and without permission or warning, fondle, squeeze, and crush the defenseless complainant American Flag, and
(2) with both lips and with tongue outstretched and without permission or warning, forcefully kiss the defenseless complainant American Flag.
Complainant seeks judgement and monetary damages for:
(1) sexual assault,
(2) mental distress,
(3) damage to reputation,
(4) medically bruised lips,
(5) medical effects of severe vomiting in the wake of the assault, and
(6) removal of Mr. Trump’s sweat stains from complainant American Flag’s body.”
Civil Doc. No. FL061424-666, June 16, 2024.”
The Trump campaign denies this occurred, despite being witnessed by numerous other American flags at the venue. Candidate Trump briefly deployed his oft-repeated criticisms that “Sleepy Joe Biden thought this up and paid the American Flag to bring this rigged lawsuit. Pelosi, witch hunts, election interference, it’s another Biden crime family crime spree!”
The Biden campaign, for its part, maintained, “Yet another set of lies from the disgraced felonious former fathead president. Democracy, Bidenomics, E. Jean Carroll, Russia, Russia, Russia, and where’s Melania?!”
Despite the full plate of Trump indictments and pending trials, we will strive to follow every lead in this new Trump-induced ludicrosity.