Tag: Cricket

05-09-2024, 1:54 p.m., A News Network, Pierre, SD. Governor’s Office, for immediate release.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem released this statement:

My Dear South Dakota friends and supporters, I have recently ended my book tour which is among the most tragic events that this farm girl has ever suffered. It was caused by liars and vicious reporters in the extreme left wing commie-fascist media. Their claims about the deaths of my dog and goat that they say were included in my new book are untrue. Even the excerpts they’ve manufactured are fictitious. So powerful and sinister is the extreme left wing that they’ve managed to brainwash millions. It is, therefore, time for me to go on the offensive and attack our foes with the truth, the truth as I and God understand it.

No gross executions of my dog and goat took place. The truth is quite the opposite: In fact, it was I who was fired on first. I neither sought nor welcomed armed conflict and only did so as a self defense measure. My disgruntled 14-month-old dog Cricket and his vicious co-conspirator, an obnoxious old goat who strutted on the wrong side of the barnyard, chose to arm themselves with military grade weapons and, by trickery, ambush me for obviously Biden-inspired political reasons.

They began by secreting themselves on a chicken farm belonging to my dear neighbors. There, from their hiding places in a gravel pit, they opened fire on a dozen or more defenseless chickens, loading, shooting, and reloading 16-shot clips until they had devastated the chicken herd. When I was informed and arrived at the scene, I called out to them and asked that they cease their killing fire, instead, they turned their attention to me, their primary target, in a blood lust. They fired a dozen rounds as I hit the dirt and drew from my holsters one each of the several pistols and hand grenades I carry with me whenever I visit neighbors. I did not seek this confrontation. Yet, being a South Dakota farm girl I knew that firefights with livestock were a normal life activity, not to be shied away from, particularly by a strong governor who deserves higher office.

It was not long before Cricket began a flanking maneuver while the old craven goat laid down covering fire. I tossed a grenade, I fired my Glock, I nearly took a bullet as I ducked into the gravel pit only to be confronted by that devil goat looking for a gunfight, old western movie style. He hopped toward me, I dove to the left and drew my weapon, firing instinctively as I had done so many times before in shootouts with other farm animals. Being the kind of person South Dakotans want for Vice President in the coming election, I dropped that goat stone dead. Someone had to do it.

Meantime, Cricket had circled around me and growled that fake puppy sound that is meant to disguise their true intentions, but tells a South Dakota farmer that there was death in the offing, either for me or for Cricket. I turned on him and fired, he fired, then, we fought hand to paw, rolling in the sharp gravel that broke each of my fingernails clean off. Cricket tried the old cowards tactic of licking my face, a fake peace entreaty and far too late. A gunshot rang out. For a moment neither of us knew who’d been shot, if shot at all. After a moment I could see. And Cricket was no more. Someone had to do it.

This summary rebuttal of the vile left wing tampering with the text of my book will allow me to resume my nationwide book tour as of this evening when I will appear in Pierre’s Shotgun Shell Bar & Rifle Range, from 8:00 – 9:00 pm. Free beer for all the ladies! I am proud to be your governor until something better materializes. God bless & pass the ammo!