Survives and is “safe.” And – of course – grisly GOP/MAGA in celebratory mood, “He just won the election.”
Trump SHOT!
Category: Firearms
BREAKING! – South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem Revises Her Description of the Deaths of Her Puppy & Goat
05-09-2024, 1:54 p.m., A News Network, Pierre, SD. Governor’s Office, for immediate release.
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem released this statement:
My Dear South Dakota friends and supporters, I have recently ended my book tour which is among the most tragic events that this farm girl has ever suffered. It was caused by liars and vicious reporters in the extreme left wing commie-fascist media. Their claims about the deaths of my dog and goat that they say were included in my new book are untrue. Even the excerpts they’ve manufactured are fictitious. So powerful and sinister is the extreme left wing that they’ve managed to brainwash millions. It is, therefore, time for me to go on the offensive and attack our foes with the truth, the truth as I and God understand it.
No gross executions of my dog and goat took place. The truth is quite the opposite: In fact, it was I who was fired on first. I neither sought nor welcomed armed conflict and only did so as a self defense measure. My disgruntled 14-month-old dog Cricket and his vicious co-conspirator, an obnoxious old goat who strutted on the wrong side of the barnyard, chose to arm themselves with military grade weapons and, by trickery, ambush me for obviously Biden-inspired political reasons.
They began by secreting themselves on a chicken farm belonging to my dear neighbors. There, from their hiding places in a gravel pit, they opened fire on a dozen or more defenseless chickens, loading, shooting, and reloading 16-shot clips until they had devastated the chicken herd. When I was informed and arrived at the scene, I called out to them and asked that they cease their killing fire, instead, they turned their attention to me, their primary target, in a blood lust. They fired a dozen rounds as I hit the dirt and drew from my holsters one each of the several pistols and hand grenades I carry with me whenever I visit neighbors. I did not seek this confrontation. Yet, being a South Dakota farm girl I knew that firefights with livestock were a normal life activity, not to be shied away from, particularly by a strong governor who deserves higher office.
It was not long before Cricket began a flanking maneuver while the old craven goat laid down covering fire. I tossed a grenade, I fired my Glock, I nearly took a bullet as I ducked into the gravel pit only to be confronted by that devil goat looking for a gunfight, old western movie style. He hopped toward me, I dove to the left and drew my weapon, firing instinctively as I had done so many times before in shootouts with other farm animals. Being the kind of person South Dakotans want for Vice President in the coming election, I dropped that goat stone dead. Someone had to do it.
Meantime, Cricket had circled around me and growled that fake puppy sound that is meant to disguise their true intentions, but tells a South Dakota farmer that there was death in the offing, either for me or for Cricket. I turned on him and fired, he fired, then, we fought hand to paw, rolling in the sharp gravel that broke each of my fingernails clean off. Cricket tried the old cowards tactic of licking my face, a fake peace entreaty and far too late. A gunshot rang out. For a moment neither of us knew who’d been shot, if shot at all. After a moment I could see. And Cricket was no more. Someone had to do it.
This summary rebuttal of the vile left wing tampering with the text of my book will allow me to resume my nationwide book tour as of this evening when I will appear in Pierre’s Shotgun Shell Bar & Rifle Range, from 8:00 – 9:00 pm. Free beer for all the ladies! I am proud to be your governor until something better materializes. God bless & pass the ammo!
They Really WILL Say ANYthing! Peter Fonda
June 14, 2011
Yes, They Will . . . Saying anything is not confined to admitted politicians, mind you, but everyone, including Peter Fonda, and . . . me. I’m a partisan and when I look into the mirror I see myself often saying anything. And if I do, and I know I do, please get in touch and I’ll do a posting.
We’re all politicians of a sort, aren’t we? This post about the actor Peter Fonda – known to us baby boomers as the incredible Captain America in Easy Rider – has been an enigma politically. I’d put him in the libertarian camp, but with actual concern for others. Yet, having said what he said at this year’s Cannes Film Festival makes him an excellent example of how we really will say anything.
I’ve always internalized things — from the beginning.
Peter Fonda
Mr. Fonda, In This Case, Internalizing Is Good. How did Peter Fonda make the grade as one who will say anything? Well, saying anything, in this case, is about how we shoot off our mouths without thinking of our pasts, without remembering how we portrayed ourselves. In some cases we do so we threaten our own truthfulness about that past portrayal, and teeter on the brink of hypocrisy. Fonda’s wrathful hyperbole is where he makes the grade for induction into the TWSA! “Hall of Saying Anything.”
Background. Fonda, at the Cannes Film Festival this year, opened his mouth a bit too wide. An avid environmentalist, he was – understandably – upset about the Obama administration’s handling of the Gulf oil spill, and their permitting BP the upper hand in the clean-up, as well as their suppression of the Coast Guard and their reporting on the spill. Fonda himself had been turned away when he tried to view the damage at the Gulf beaches. Turned away by BP clean-up personnel. Referring to this, he told a Cannes crowd that he had sent an email to President Obama calling him a “fucking traitor” for allowing “foreign boots on our soil [BP personnel] telling our military – in this case the coastguard – what they can and could not do, and telling us, the citizens of the United States, what we could or could not do.” O.K., so far, no real damage done.
What he said to make the Hall of TWSA! Speaking four days later to the Telegraph’s Richard Eden, Fonda went one anything too far . . . Here’s what escaped from his mouth:
“I’m training my grandchildren to use long-range rifles,” said the actor, 71. “For what purpose? Well, I’m not going to say the words ‘Barack Obama’, but …”
Why does this qualify? Fonda’s words are unlike any I’ve heard for their sheer self-immolating audacity, for their skirting the possibility of arrest by the Secret Service, and for their unvarnished intent. He held nothing in reserve. He has not retracted or re-phrased.
Why, though, is he now a candidate for the Hall of TWSA!? Lots of people say crazy things about Obama. Yet Fonda has allied himself with another attitude throughout his life: anti-violence. Simply watch his take on sudden, unexpected violence in his 1969 masterpiece Easy Rider. There, all three characters are killed by utterly senseless acts of extreme violence by men who simply could not abide something foreign to them: the Rider’s unapologetic statement of personal freedom.
Thirty-two years later, in Fonda’s Cannes statements, he seems to have forgotten that, unless one believes (as some do) that implicitly condoning the assassination of President Obama is an exercise of his freedom of speech. To me, against the backdrop of epidemic gun violence in our country, his words are more like yelling “compassion” at a Tea Party rally – mass mayhem as everyone races to the exits.
Spoons: The Unexamined Cause of Deaths, Only Second to Firearms
January 11, 2011
“We have spoons that are too big and too numerous.
It’s not the spoons that make people fat
and it’s not the guns that kill people,
it’s people that kill people.”
Congressman Louie Goehmert (R-TX)
NOTE: The always dependable Texas congressloon, Mr. Gohmert, who spends much of his time perfecting the field of logic, recently “logicked” the syllogism above. In my earlier version of this blog, I posted this as an explanation to my many readers who, obviously not logicians, failed to follow his meaning. I post this again here in commemoration and admiration of Mr. Gohmert’s demonstration of logic. Read it and learn. . .
Try taking down a warthog with a spoon. Spoons do not have triggers, so, unlike bullets expelled from guns at high velocity, spoons cannot kill a wart hog from a distance of more than approximately three inches and not without an abnormal amount of exertion on the attacker’s part and an equally abnormal passivity on the warthog’s part. Without a doubt, a spoon-armed attack on a warthog is a nasty task, as I found out. I still wake up running through the neighborhood screaming like a guy in a Wes Craven movie.
I looked this up. Statistics bear out the Congressman’s observations: In the United States, from 1990 to date the number of accidental deaths/homicides/suicides by spoon are swamped by bullet-related deaths. Swamped. (Although, please note, I do not wish to imply that spoon crimes and negligence ought to remain unaddressed.) Also, from the FBI website, arrests in the 50 states for carrying a concealed spoon track quite closely Health and Human Services data on obesity.
Try eating a pudding with a bullet. I did so, forthrightly testing Congressman Goehmert’s logical argument. For a full 10 minutes, using a highly recommended Remington 9mm 124 grain FMJ (full metal jacket) bullet, I attacked a 12-oz. bowl of room temperature chocolate pudding. I was able to stuff the concoction into my gullet, but the bullet’s small size caused me to consume far less pudding than I had in the pre-test whilst employing a spoon. Clearly, this validates the Congressman’s observations.
I hope this helps. Never forget:
All men are mortal.
Louie Gohmert is a man.
Therefore, all men are spoons