Congressloon Louie Gohmert – Spoons – The Unexamined Cause of Violent Deaths, Second Only to Firearms

Note: The always dependable Texas congressloon, Louie Gohmert, spends much of his time studying logic, and in 2011 he “logicked” about spoons and firearms. In my earlier version of this blog (2007-2017) I posted what follows as an explanation to my many readers, obviously not logicians, who failed to follow his meaning. I post this again here in commemoration and admiration of Mr. Gohmert’s demonstration of logic. Read it and learn.
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Military grade spoons, I say!!!!

“We have spoons that are too big and too numerous.
It’s not the spoons that make people fat
and it’s not the guns that kill people,
it’s people that kill people.”

Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX), January 2011

Try taking down a wart hog with a spoon. Spoons do not have triggers, so, unlike bullets expelled from guns at high velocity, spoons cannot kill a wart hog from a distance of more than approximately three inches and not without an abnormal amount of exertion on the attacker’s part and an equally abnormal passivity on the wart hog’s part. Without a doubt, a spoon-armed attack on a wart hog is a nasty task, as I found out.  I still wake up running through the neighborhood screaming like a guy in a Wes Craven movie.

I looked this up.  In any event, statistics bear out the Congressloon’s observations: In the United States, from 1990 to date the number of accidental deaths/homicides/suicides by spoon are obviously swamped by bullet-related deaths. Swamped. (Although, please note, I do not wish to imply that spoon crimes and negligence ought to remain unaddressed.)  Also, from the FBI website, arrests in the 50 states for carrying a concealed spoon track quite closely Health and Human Services data on obesity and obesity-related violent deaths, think spoons.

Try eating a pudding with a bullet. I did so, forthrightly testing Congressman Gohmert’s logical argument. For a full 10 minutes, using a highly recommended Remington 9mm 124 grain FMJ (full metal jacket) bullet, I attacked a 12 oz. bowl of room temperature pudding. I was able to stuff the concoction into my gullet, but the  bullet’s small size caused me to consume far less pudding than I had in the pre-test. Clearly, this validates the Congressman’s observations.

I hope this helps and never forget:
All men are mortal.
Louie Gohmert is a man.
Therefore, all men are Louie Gohmert

Egyptian President Mubarak Serves Red Herring to Protesters

 February 6, 2011

Neither Logic Nor Reality.  Thursday night’s Christiane Amanpour interview of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak gave us a revealing view of his reasoning about the popular uprising, then in its ninth day. The protests, suddenly rent with the violence of pro-Mubarak forces, brought the President out of hiding to comment. His key responses were to Amanpour’s question about his possible resignation: “If I resign today, there will be chaos. . . I was very unhappy about yesterday. I do not want to see Egyptians fighting each other. . . I don’t care what people say about me. Right now I care about my country.”

In 1927, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis wrote, “The logic of words should yield to the logic of realities.” In his attempt to shift responsibility, President Mubarak’s comments abuse logic and ignore reality. In fact, it’s a verbal stunner, a soup of distortions that will find its way into the lexicon of modern Egyptian history.

Velvet Words, Burlap Meanings. Yet, on its first hearing, Mubarak arguably sounds resolute, steeped in affection for home and hearth. Likewise, newly minted Vice President Omar Suleiman later told Amanpour that “We always respect our president, respect our father, respect the guy who’s done as well for his country as President Mubarak has done.”  Indeed, there’s truth to Suleiman’s observation: Mubarak has a well-earned reputation for bravery in military service to Egypt; he did at some times – long past – listen to his people’s aspirations; he walked an unenviable path between Israeli mistrust and Islamic resentment. 

Now, though, Mubarak’s apparently sincere words fail to match the reality on the ground, and the regime’s part in it.  He’s ratified the harsher measures we saw on Wednesday, if not actually ordering them himself. He watched the attacks on journalists in the attempt to banish the press and isolate the protesters.  In these activities, the same enabling role is also true of Suleiman. Still and all, here they are avowing their love of all Egyptians. Where have they been the last 48 hours, the last 10 days?  Apparently not in Egypt.

It may be argued that Suleiman’s remarks about Mubarak are the wistful sentiments of a longtime colleague. Mubarak’s words and nonaction, though, throttle the truth and strongly suggest insincerity. Applying the “smell test” fails.  He’s “fed up” with the Presidency?  He just wishes that he could step down? About that, let’s note he’s been hard at work trying to deflate, discredit, and defeat the protesters for at least the past few days.  And to what purpose?  To ease his way out of the office he maintains he’s “fed up” with?  If that’s what he expected to convey during his Amanpour interview – and in his earlier speech to the nation as well – then he’s failed the “logic of realities.” If the reality on the ground is a guide, his tenure is finished (and Suleiman’s), unless he wants to be literally pushed out of office, or reduced to a dying figurehead with little or no power. He knows that. His best bet is to leave, to retirement on a Pharaoh’s pension in Sharm-el-Sheik. 

“Let Them Eat Red Herring” But let’s briefly accept that Mubarak truly is “fed up” with the presidency, then the only reason for holding onto power he’s advanced is his fear of the consequences of his leaving, his concern about “chaos.” This, however, is like throwing a coconut cream pie in a stranger’s face and then complaining that your victim’s anger has caused you emotional damage. 

Let’s face it, the chaos in Cairo, in largest part, was caused by Mubarak and his crony-heavy regime, both in an immediate and a long term sense.  Shifting the blame and changing the question is a shopworn tactic, politicians everywhere use it, it’s the screwdriver in the toolbox. We experienced it, for example, when the Bush II administration put the unprepared and inexperienced Michael Brown in charge of FEMA, and following Hurricane Katrina then asserted, “See, federal government programs don’t work!” Well, Bush and the government-hating GOP/Tea Party set it up to fail, there and elsewhere, to lend credence to their anti-governance rhetoric. A classic red herring. Given Mubarak’s record of late, particularly his collusion with the brute force that is called “pro-Mubarak,” his avowed affection for the people is, it appears, a red herring meant to fool Egyptians into sentimentally adjusting their emotions, and to buy time for Mubarak to retain his power. Hopefully, this red herring rots in the Middle Eastern sun.

Spoons: The Unexamined Cause of Deaths, Only Second to Firearms

January 11, 2011

“We have spoons that are too big and too numerous.
It’s not the spoons that make people fat
and it’s not the guns that kill people,
it’s people that kill people.”
Congressman Louie Goehmert (R-TX)

NOTE: The always dependable Texas congressloon, Mr. Gohmert, who spends much of his time perfecting the field of logic, recently “logicked” the syllogism above. In my earlier version of this blog, I posted this as an explanation to my many readers who, obviously not logicians, failed to follow his meaning. I post this again here in commemoration and admiration of Mr. Gohmert’s demonstration of logic. Read it and learn. . .

Try taking down a warthog with a spoon. Spoons do not have triggers, so, unlike bullets expelled from guns at high velocity, spoons cannot kill a wart hog from a distance of more than approximately three inches and not without an abnormal amount of exertion on the attacker’s part and an equally abnormal passivity on the warthog’s part. Without a doubt, a spoon-armed attack on a warthog is a nasty task, as I found out.  I still wake up running through the neighborhood screaming like a guy in a Wes Craven movie.

I looked this up.  Statistics bear out the Congressman’s observations: In the United States, from 1990 to date the number of accidental deaths/homicides/suicides by spoon are swamped by bullet-related deaths.  Swamped. (Although, please note, I do not wish to imply that spoon crimes and negligence ought to remain unaddressed.)  Also, from the FBI website, arrests in the 50 states for carrying a concealed spoon track quite closely Health and Human Services data on obesity. 

Try eating a pudding with a bullet. I did so, forthrightly testing Congressman Goehmert’s logical argument. For a full 10 minutes, using a highly recommended Remington 9mm 124 grain FMJ (full metal jacket) bullet, I attacked a 12-oz. bowl of room temperature chocolate pudding. I was able to stuff the concoction into my gullet, but the  bullet’s small size caused me to consume far less pudding than I had in the pre-test whilst employing a spoon. Clearly, this validates the Congressman’s observations.

I hope this helps. Never forget:

All men are mortal.
Louie Gohmert is a man.
Therefore, all men are spoons