April 15, 2011
From the desk of Reginald Delano Roosevelt
April 15, 2011
Dear Winston,
“Bone?!? You Expect Me To ‘Gnaw’ On A ‘Bone’?! I sit upright, my good man. I wear a fez. I read Proust and Pynchon and giggle at the whimsical stylings of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. While you slave away for “the man” at your ludicrously meaningless donkeywork, my days pass in contemplation, yoga, bridge with the poodles down the street, and a dalliance with a ravishing little vamp of a Great Dane. Oh, and during your absences I sleep in your bed, oh yes, and quite soundly. So, in summation, you “gnaw” on the bone, sir, if you please. It suits you. Employ those overrated opposable thumbs.
As for my purpose in writing, it is once again regarding the matter of my daily meals. As you know we have fought long and repeatedly over this matter. I’ve often maintained – without rancor, mind you – your choice of nutrition for me borders on barbarous. Kibble I shall not nibble! My entreaties for the addition of a hint of baked apple in my so-called meals have long been unheeded. My warning remains in place since the last time I wrote you about this issue: Unless you immediately respond with action to my reasonable nutritional needs, I shall be forced, quite against my gentle disposition, to bring suit against you in a court of proper jurisdiction for compensatory and punitive damages.
We may, however, settle this amicably, still. Note that the fine canine nutritional company, Kibbles ‘N Bits, has long and successfully offered The Kibbles ‘n Bits Bistro Meals. These rich blends are offered in both Oven Roasted Beef Flavor and Grilled Chicken Flavor, each with a sophisticated mix of vegetables. And, for a palate as educated as my own, each blend features what I desire the most, a hint of baked apple! My associates in the neighboring residences are quite excited and as a result I have been ignominiously “mounted” on numerous occasions as a result. No harm done. Joy is as joy does. See Bistro Meals. Fetch. Good boy, good boy.
Your choice is clear. Endless litigation, or simple common sense. Picture my elation when you bring home my first Bistro Meal. Better this: Picture getting back your slippers, your various wallets, your “little black book,” your iPhone, your hairpieces, and your strangely alluring blow-up girlfriend.
With hopes for a congenial settlement of this endlessly pending matter, I remain, as always, your loving, though somewhat disgruntled, pooch,
Reginald Delano Roosevelt
cc: Law Firm of Williams & Connoly
A.S.P.C.A.
P.E.T.A.
My veterinarian
