Out of approximately 66,000 votes cast in Nevada’s GOP primary last night Nikki Haley was trounced, finishing at 30.5%. (Trump was not on the primary ballot.) A few votes were gathered by Mike Pence (4%), Tim Scott (1.4%), and four others who no one ever heard of except in Nevada. The story of the night, however, was about a candidate carrying an unusual name, “None Of These Candidates,” a 35-year-old native Las Vegan, who grabbed a whopping 60.5% of all votes.
Today, I spoke to None Of These Candidates’ campaign manager, Mr. None Of The Above, about the effect her huge Nevada primary win will have on the rest of the primary season. None Of The Above is a seasoned campaign guru who most recently engineered Anyone But These Bums’ successful run for a seat in the Texas legislature.
(None Of The Above, campaign manager = NOTA)
(Me = ME, your writer)
ME: You must be both simultaneously overjoyed and shocked at your candidates’ runaway win, especially given the moderate expectations for her.
NOTA: A bit shocked yes, but only in the sense that I thought she’d have done better. Nationally, the polls missed this, yet our internal polling showed her popularity was rising each week. Most voters were looking for a new candidate, one who can unite them. And Nevada placed its bet on None Of These Candidates.
ME: Exit polls bear you out: Nevadans of all age groups reported they were fed up with the entire field of GOP candidates, and viewed third party candidates as bothersome bedbugs. Nevertheless, Nikki Haley did quite well considering, pulling in 30 percent . . .
NOTA: Our campaign post-election night polls revealed that they mostly believed that Haley was in need of some cheering up after the way Trump has treated her recently . . .
ME: You’re suggesting they felt sorry for her . . .?
NOTA: Yes, especially those in the 80-95 age group who had great-grandchildren reminded them of NIkki Haley when they were her age. We’re unconcerned about this because our campaign risk manager, No How No Way, believes only 30 percent of them will make it to November 2024. Also, many male voters in the 65-80 range reported that “Nikki is cute as a button.” We do worry about them because they’re likely to still be alive in November.
ME: But now I’d like to address the elephant in the room, Donald Trump, who did not choose to run in the primary, but will be in the Nevada GOP caucus where he’s expected to pick up 97 percent of caucusgoers’ support.
NOTA: Trump? Well, his chances against Nikki are the bailiwick of our election projection manager, Undecided, and she’s not here presently. I’ll ask her to contact you when we can find her . . .
