By now the news of the Trump New York empire’s imminent passing has spread throughout the world. “Teflon Don” could not withstand a nuclear bomb. Delivered yesterday by New York Judge Arthur Engoron, Donald Trump was blistered with a $454 Million dollar penalty for business shenanigans that would be cheered by the robber barons.
Many – well, actually, everyone – wonders how he will pay up, even his MAGA acolytes. Some ways he might include:
1. Borrowing $85 million from E. Jean Carroll for his agreeing to stop – really stop – defaming her on a daily schedule.
2. Kidnapping Jared Kushner and his two billion dollar war chest gifted him by the Saudi Arabia Sovereign Fund (if there’s anything still left of it).
3. Writing a check. That is discounted by nearly everyone for the obvious reasons, for example, does he even have a bank? If so, all agree his check overdraft bills are in the hundreds of millions.
4. Phoning any random collection of Saudi billionaires and promising them preposterous good things that that he’ll announce during his 2025 Inaugural Address, for example, move all U.S. NATO troops and equipment to Riyadh.
5. Purchasing $454 million on Amazon on Ivanka’s Amazon Prime credit card and then returning it all for cash. Also, kidnap her first.
6. Sponsoring a golf tournament with a $454 million prize with himself as the only contestant.
7. Ordering “my two eldest nitwit sons” to rob the World Bank with Barron acting a getaway driver. Also, kidnap him first from Melania.
8. Getting a loan from Satan, or his son, aka Elon Musk.
These are all longshots, of course. Suggesting he “work it off” as President is possible, but he doesn’t actually do any “work” other than cheating at golf. Nevertheless, no one ever accused Donald Trump of letting grass grow under his feet, and the news from Trump
Campaign HQ is that Mr. Trump will pay, and soon. He proposes an all cash payment of 454 million rubles which “Russian friends” have offered “for past, and future, services rendered.”
I’m not sure he’s thought this one through, though . . . 454 million rubles, when exchanged for U.S. dollars, is worth approximately 5 million dollars present exchange rates. That’s approximately 1% of what he owes. An embarrassed Trump spokesperson, explained, “President Trump observes that ‘454 million’ is the operative number and 454 million of any currency is, and I quote:
‘a lot of money and I know money. I did the math, and I had an uncle who was a physics professor at MIT, and this whole trial was a scam and witch hunt. And Engoron is a commie thug. And I fired my lawyer!'”