June 28, 2011
Homeland Security Mans Up and Confronts Nonagenarian. At the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) a timely new focus on the “totally elderly” is being hurried off the drawing boards. This comes in the wake of the controversial security screening of 95-year-old Jean Weber prior to her boarding a Michigan bound flight at Northwest Florida Regional Airport on June 18th. According to a Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) security officer on the scene last week, “In order to sneak onto the Michigan flight Ms. Weber arrived driving a heavy wheelchair directly at the departure gate” and she wore “an intentionally distracting hat.”
Weber’s alleged daughter claimed medical reasons for the flight, claiming that Ms. Weber has leukemia that is now life-threatening, and wanted to return home to be with her family during her final days. TSA workers, however, are expertly trained and sensed immediately that Ms. Weber was concealing “something suspicious” in her “granny socks, according to the TSA Granny Inspector who was on the scene and conducted the search. He continued, “her unconventional hat grabbed my eye too. It was unlike any I’d ever seen, and truthfully, I was frightened by it.”
These two observations, which to an untrained individual would appear as innocuous as a butterfly on an elephant, were, in the mind of this skilled TSA Granny Inspector, a signal that something was awry. He told me, enigmatically, “Sometimes granny socks are simply granny socks, but other times they conceal frightening items of mass destruction.”
In the end, Ms. Weber submitted without violence to what TSA calls “full anatomy surveillance with de-socking.” Indeed, she passed the acrobatic inspection, and was permitted to board. Her alleged daughter, however, complained – unpatriotically – to the TSA, and thus this exhaustively reported brouhaha began in earnest.
Yet, following TSA’s four-hour investigation it was discovered that Jean Weber was but one name by which the alleged Grandmother was known. Granny Weber slipped the TSA in Florida and landed in Detroit before anyone knew her true identity. As a result, “Granny” is being sought by law enforcement officials for questioning about that “other” life . . .
Meet “Trip G” The 105 pound Grandma “Weber” has more sinister aims in Detroit than “being with her family,” if indeed she ever had a family at all. You see, Jean Weber is a known member of another kind of “family”: a vicious gang of absurdly elderly grannies who operate throughout Michigan. Those with courage who speak the name quietly whisper – the G-Squad. And – incredibly – the TSA learned from the Detroit FBI Office that Granny Weber is now the acknowledged leader of G- Squad following the recent death by exercise of 103-year-old Matilda Emily Smythe-Philips. Both the TSA and FBI are sure that this leadership change was the true reason for Granny Weber’s trip to Michigan. “She’s in charge now, the big cheese, the Capo di tutti Capi of all the 85-and-over Michigan gangster families,” observed the FBI’s Detroit Special Agent in Charge, whose name we can neither pronounce nor spell.
Known on the street as Trip G, Ms. Weber and her geriatric crew – junior membership starts at 85 – have for years strong-armed their way into many reputable Michigan businesses:
- Pharmacists fear the knock on the door that signals another beat-down should they be unable to meet their monthly quota of diabetes medications, catheters, smokeless cigarettes, condoms, Rolaids, stool softeners, and laxatives.
- Social Security Case Workers have reportedly “just given up,” and now simply provide any cash amount that the insolent roughneck grannies demand.
- Dining establishments now offer the reduced-price senior menu at all times. Restaurateurs bold enough (or crazy enough) to cut off senior prices at 6:00 p.m. are visited by pocketbook wielding blue-haired octo- and nonagenarians with breaking bones on their minds.
- Community Centers for the elderly are almost exclusively in the control of G-Squad throughout Michigan. There, they force elderly non-gang members to deliver Viagra to male clients in exchange for peyote and live chickens.
- Baseball’s Detroit Tigers and the storied hockey franchise the Detroit Red Wings both are believed to pay tribute to G-Squad for protection of their players from “accidents,” “unfortunate mishaps,” and “whackings.”
So, it’s undisputed, Granny Weber’s return to Michigan as Trip G, now the capo of the bloodthirsty klatch of insatiable and irritable grannies, means trouble. The FBI, in the face of budget cuts, has little more than it can devote to their 65 agent G-Squad Task Force. Michigan state police despair.
Watch, and for now, pray for Michigan.