What’s The Difference Between Economist Robert J. Samuelson and a Bucket of Spit?

July 29, 2011

Older Americans do not intend to ruin America,
but as a group, that’s what they’re about.
Robert J. Samuelson
Why are we in this debt fix? It’s the elderly, stupid.
Washington Post, July 28, 2011

Answer: The Bucket.  Mr. Samuelson, a right-wing economist, in yesterday’s Washington Post POSTOPINIONS column didn’t bury the lede: Why are we in this debt fix? It’s the elderly, stupid.  This (unfortunately) memorable title tells you where this is going, and Samuelson does not disappoint, except one does walk away from his screed a bit more disappointed than usual in how right-wingers think. They relish attacking those who live one crisis away from poverty. Samuelson gives those weakened geriatric gray hairs a good beatdown, like Seinfeld‘s Kramer when he thrashed those prepubescent youngsters in the karate dojo, “I’m dominating the dojo. I’m class champion!” Or the man who plotted to throw his mother off a train, but in that case, decided against it. Samuelson did not.

Jihad Grandpas & Grammas

You may not have known that your seemingly sweet Granny and Gramps were on a jihad bent on burying you and their other children and grandkids under mountains of nationalized debt. I would’ve never suspected my own grandparents, they were always good for a hug and a cookie. (There are exceptions, however. My Aunt Ruth, for example, for my ninth birthday, gave me the 670 page 1955 edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage. Obviously, by that act alone, she proved that she’d do anything to anyone. Thus, she, now at 89 years, remains suspect of burying us all under mountains of public debt.) 

Samuelson’s point is obvious, a lot of those rampaging elders are gaming the system, many do not need the benefits they receive, especially from Social Security and Medicare. He ignores the fact that a national social welfare program ought to embrace all the elderly; after all, well-off elders may, during their retirement, lose everything. (And don’t be fooled, Samuelson believes that poor Americans in any age group don’t deserve their benefits either.) Statistics show that the majority of elders need social security to live any kind of decent life at all. Medicare to live a healthy life at all.

Of course, Obama and the Democrats are Samuelson’s villains de jour, but he includes his own companions:

“the shunning [of even discussing entitlement cuts] is bipartisan. Tea Party advocates broadly deplore government spending without acknowledging that most of it goes for popular Social Security and Medicare.”

Thus he proves that he is worse than Tea Partiers. He forgets that the vast majority of retirement aged Tea Partiers collect Social Security and Medicare, (rightfully) believe they earned it, are therefore “entitled” to it, and would smack you with their canes should you try to even discuss cutting benefits. Of course, they also believe that other groups of elderly persons do not deserve what they have; funny how that works, eh? Samuelson doesn’t understand politics very well, doe he?

It’s the Social Contract

The social contract which we have includes income and health security, and yet does not eviscerate free enterprise. It’s benefits are for all citizens. Samuelson is no friend of our social contract:

“By now, it’s obvious that we need to rewrite the social contract that, over the past half-century, has transformed the federal government’s main task into transferring income from workers to retirees.”

To him, and the GOP/TP when it suits them, the federal government ought to have few mandates, i.e., foreign relations, border protection, building a national armed forces, and, most of all, cutting taxes paid by those who, by and large, are already doing quite well. For people like Samuelson, doing well is always the best revenge on those whose paths through life are rocky and dangerous. Tea Partiers, in particular, detest those they consider lazy welfare queens and kings, despite the fact that many Tea Partiers collect what the call “welfare,” within which they have been known to include Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. When this wrongheaded enmity is pressed against the elderly, especially those who rely upon those programs, on those who have lived long enough to achieve old age, it’s akin to saying to them, “Thanks for your hard work, and drop dead.”

Robert Samuelson’s Why are we in this debt fix? It’s the elderly, stupid proves he’s comfortable warring on the nation’s elderly. Period. Paragraph. Throw him off a train . . .

America’s Focus on Airport Security Justified as 95-Year-Old Gang Leader Is Strip Searched by Alert Florida TSA!

June 28, 2011

Homeland Security Mans Up and Confronts Nonagenarian. At the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) a timely new focus on the “totally elderly” is being hurried off the drawing boards. This comes in the wake of the controversial security screening of 95-year-old Jean Weber prior to her boarding a Michigan bound flight at Northwest Florida Regional Airport on June 18th. According to a Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) security officer on the scene last week, “In order to sneak onto the Michigan flight Ms. Weber arrived driving a heavy wheelchair directly at the departure gate” and she wore “an intentionally distracting hat.”

Weber’s alleged daughter claimed medical reasons for the flight, claiming that Ms. Weber has leukemia that is now life-threatening, and wanted to return home to be with her family during her final days. TSA workers, however, are expertly trained and sensed immediately that Ms. Weber was concealing “something suspicious” in her “granny socks, according to the TSA Granny Inspector who was on the scene and conducted the search. He continued, “her unconventional hat grabbed my eye too. It was unlike any I’d ever seen, and truthfully, I was frightened by it.”

These two observations, which to an untrained individual would appear as innocuous as a butterfly on an elephant, were, in the mind of this skilled TSA Granny Inspector, a signal that something was awry. He told me, enigmatically, “Sometimes granny socks are simply granny socks, but other times they conceal frightening items of mass destruction.”

In the end, Ms. Weber submitted without violence to what TSA calls “full anatomy surveillance with de-socking.” Indeed, she passed the acrobatic inspection, and was permitted to board. Her alleged daughter, however, complained – unpatriotically – to the TSA, and thus this exhaustively reported brouhaha began in earnest.

Yet, following TSA’s four-hour investigation it was discovered that Jean Weber was but one name by which the alleged Grandmother was known. Granny Weber slipped the TSA in Florida and landed in Detroit before anyone knew her true identity. As a result, “Granny” is being sought by law enforcement officials for questioning about that “other” life . . .

Meet “Trip G” The 105 pound Grandma “Weber” has more sinister aims in Detroit than “being with her family,” if indeed she ever had a family at all.  You see, Jean Weber is a known member of another kind of “family”:  a vicious gang of absurdly elderly grannies who operate throughout Michigan. Those with courage who speak the name quietly whisper – the G-Squad. And – incredibly – the TSA learned from the Detroit FBI Office that Granny Weber is now the acknowledged leader of G- Squad following the recent death by exercise of 103-year-old Matilda Emily Smythe-Philips. Both the TSA and FBI are sure that this leadership change was the true reason for Granny Weber’s trip to Michigan. “She’s in charge now, the big cheese, the Capo di tutti Capi of all the 85-and-over Michigan gangster families,” observed the FBI’s Detroit Special Agent in Charge, whose name we can neither pronounce nor spell.

Known on the street as  Trip G, Ms. Weber and her geriatric crew – junior membership starts at 85 – have for years strong-armed their way into many reputable Michigan businesses:

  • Pharmacists fear the knock on the door that signals another beat-down should they be unable to meet their monthly quota of diabetes medications, catheters, smokeless cigarettes, condoms, Rolaids, stool softeners, and laxatives.
  • Social Security Case Workers have reportedly “just given up,” and now simply provide any cash amount that the insolent roughneck grannies demand.
  • Dining establishments now offer the reduced-price senior menu at all times. Restaurateurs bold enough (or crazy enough) to cut off senior prices at 6:00 p.m. are visited by pocketbook wielding blue-haired octo- and nonagenarians with breaking bones on their minds.
  • Community Centers for the elderly are almost exclusively in the control of G-Squad throughout Michigan. There, they force elderly non-gang members to deliver Viagra to male clients in exchange for peyote and live chickens.
  • Baseball’s Detroit Tigers and the storied hockey franchise the Detroit Red Wings both are believed to pay tribute to G-Squad for protection of their players from “accidents,” “unfortunate mishaps,” and “whackings.” 

So, it’s undisputed, Granny Weber’s return to Michigan as Trip G, now the capo of the bloodthirsty klatch of insatiable and irritable grannies, means trouble. The FBI, in the face of budget cuts, has little more than it can devote to their 65 agent G-Squad Task Force. Michigan state police despair.

Watch, and for now, pray for Michigan.