Please. . . This whole GOP primary thing is light years beyond ludicrous, but not as comical as it could be. Since all news, good and bad, is first of all entertainment, you Republicans ought to go for more. America loves fun!!! So, simply make a small rule change in the GOP presidential nomination process and run the primaries like Survivor. Simply transport all the presently noteworthy nominees to a Samoan island and let them have at it! Imagine the ratings! Independent voters like reality shows, and that’s the group you guys need the most in 2012. So, don’t just sit there, get moving! Imagine Gingo Gingrich in the Survivor Menu challenge or on an 11-mile hike. My money’s on Mitt Romney being voted off first (or simply garroted by Bachmann).
See what I mean? Get on with it Republicans. The Fall 2012 voting season is almost upon us.
Lazy Is as Lazy Does. Today, the “giant sucking sound” you may have heard came from Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staff resigning and booking it outta town at supersonic speed. The basic explanation among his ex-staffers casts aspersions on an always aspersion-worthy Gingrich. (Former) campaign staffers hint he’s a lazy, people-averse slacker, who wants to speak to the American electorate from a self-styled Mount Gingrich rather than pressing the flesh and smooching adorable infants. His recent vacation cruise to Italy got the ball rolling, see here.
Lies, Damn Lies, and Gingrich. A top staffer, who declined to be identified for “safety’s sake,” revealed that “the staff was very concerned, initially about the timing of Newt and Callista’s seafaring vacation, and later on about whether Mr. Gingrich was committed to grassroots campaigning among people he has told us are manifestly inferior to him.” The senior staffer went on, stating that during the morning hours the group learned,
“from anonymous sources, after bashing their heads in, that Mr. Gingrich had again used his Tiffany’s charge card to purchase his and Callista’s shipboard accommodations and amenities, including eight hours per day of stomach massage, a round-the-clock jester, and a ship’s officer to lie to. This, as well as Mr. Gingrich’s shipboard decision to ‘rule the United States from Malta,’ gave us staffers some pause to reflect. Yet, we dealt with far worse just last week. We were unsure whether these new things were game changers.
Look, I promise to bring all of you with us next time.
Another sprightly young staffer close to Mr. Gingrich whenever Mrs. Gingrich is out of town, disclosed that since his recent award of an Honorary Degree from Miami Florida’s Cardinal Newman Catholic High School, he had insisted upon being referred to as “Perfesser Gingo,” even in official correspondence and campaign literature. She concluded, “We could deal with it, let’s put it that way, and accepted these new peccadillos, thinking we could put a positive spin on things simply by lying.”
“A good memory is needed once we have lied.” -Pierre Corneille. So, given the staff’s unfailing willingness to cope with Perfesser Gingo’s escalating eccentricities, what tragic revelation could have put them on a figurative fast stagecoach out of town? One does mull. And the truth is as stunning as finding Elvis in a punch bowl. Gingo’s top staffer explained, “We met with the Speaker yesterday following his quick return from his vacation to give a speech in New Hampshire. When we were prepping him regarding his present – today’s – policy on Medicare reform, it became clear that he could no longer remember even his most recent bold-faced lies, misdirections, prevarications, misstatements, fairy tales, whoppers, distortions, and misinformation. Utterly flabbergasted, we knew immediately that the 2012 Gingrich campaign was bin Laden dead. D-E-A-D.”
Consultations with neurological and psychiatric specialists provided scant hope. “When an individual loses memories in the most highly developed portion of his or her brain,” one neuropsychologist explained,
“It is unlikely that improvement will occur. In this case, Mr. Gingrich’s brain is quite literally a ‘neurodynamic lying machine.’ So overdeveloped and selfish is this brain region that it leaves little neurological ‘room’ for accomplishing even simple things like moving his tongue, or speaking even the simplest, most obvious truth. For example, Mr. Gingrich can get on the toilet, yet hours can pass before he remembers why, yet despite this he can convince even the brightest individuals that he was never on the toilet at all but was instead delivering a speech to the Boys Club of New Jersey! It is remarkable how this has been kept so ‘close to the vest’ during his long career. It’s like Kennedy’s bad back, or FDR’s wheelchair. Same thing, I guess.”
Bedtime For Gingo. The repercussions for the 2012 Gingrich campaign were supersonically obvious to the inner circle. The Director of Media Relations put it this way.
“We simply cannot sell a Newt Gingrich without his astounding flapdoodle. As of today, absent his ability to remember his fabrications, he can no longer leave interviewers and constituents stunned into speechlessness as if one had just encountered a large web-footed coconut preparing dinner in one’s garage. And without his skilled memory, many will immediately realize that Mr. Gingrich is, and always has been, a certifiable wanker.
Yet another disappointed Gingrich campaigner recalled the final hours,
“Despite all this, we recognize our debt to Perfesser Gingo, a huge debt that we decided to put on Master Card. We asked each other, ‘Think about it. We owe a thank you, and we wish him all success,’ although we really don’t know whether we’re lying or not. We’ve forgotten what truth feels like.”
