Who knew Barbie is a Chinese communist who spent more than $150 million on her vanity movie to promote Chinese communism? Specifically, the roiling dispute surrounding China’s claim to the South China Sea. Moreover, she’s a Kung Fu enthusiast. Of course, her starring role ought to have warned us and Ted Cruz (if he’d seen the movie). She’s not your mother’s Barbie.
Yes, she has a wealth of talent unforeseen, including subduing the Kens of the world, one of whom is Ted Cruz. His single talent is demonstrating the traits of an everyday jackass. And as a jackass, he pissed off Barbie, and got challenged to a martial arts cage match. Barbie the avenger, no less. How’d this come to pass?
I want to treat Cruz’s position on Barbie’s threat to national security with the seriousness that a very serious senator is due. So here we go. Here’s how we got to where we are tonight, with Ted on the run. . .from . . .Barbie. So, in the panel on the left, I yield the floor to the senator himself. Scroll down a bit and give a listen. This is how Ted earns his living.
So according to Cruz, Barbie’s mission, for a short period during her movie and through the use of a single childish map, was to win over her audience to Chinese communism. And, of course, her audience would know the meaning of the nine dashes (in fact, there are only eight. . . Go ahead, count ’em. So Ted can’t count, or he starts counting with two; I know where I’m placing my bet.)
Barbie reacted as expected. As a rabid Chinese communist, she offered Ted a choice: “Retract or I will end you.” Kung Fu style. Ted is in reality a very reticent jackass, like Eeyore, not prone to combat. So his choice was obvious. Leave the family behind, run to the airport, and board the first one-way flight to Cancun, Mexico. He retracted on the way to the airport:
I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Plagiarized from A Fish Called Wanda, 1988
No word yet from Barbie who reportedly is considering accepting his retraction. Nonetheless, according to insiders she’s leaning toward “kicking the jackass’s ass.” We’ll keep an eye on this, and if she decides to hunt him down, she has friends everywhere, Cancun included.