September 1, 2011
The President took it in the chin yesterday as he had to re-schedule his jobs speech from Wednesday night to Thursday night. Thanks to a competing GOP presidential primary debate on MSNBC Wednesday night, and John Boehner’s intervention, President Obama went from interfering with the GOP debate to interfering with opening night of the NFL season. So, this warm-up for the upcoming Fall legislative season the President was a setback. This morning, to rebound, and to practice his negotiation skills some more, Mr. Obama made a phone call to schedule an important event immediately following his Thursday night speech.
Since then, our sources deep in the White House kitchen learned that the President, to salve his wounds, thought a nice meal after his speech would do a great deal of good. So, he called the Capitol Rotunda restaurant of note, The Disgruntled Toad, for a reservation. The transcript of last night’s presidential negotiation with the Toad’s reservation manager (RESMAN) is set out below.
POTUS: Hello. Hello? Yes, Hi. This is President Obama. . .
RESMAN: Oh my gosh. Yes, sir. I want you to know I voted for you . . .
POTUS: Oh, well, thank you very . . .
RESMAN: Yes. Yes. I did. I very much support your efforts for the unemployed people . . .
POTUS: Yes. We do try . . . Well, I’m in a bit of a hurry . . . I’m having no success with getting the NFL to start its season on Friday night . . . And . . .
RESMAN: Oh yeah! You a football fan too? Me, I like the Redskins, have for decades. I remember when they won . . .
POTUS: Yeah, they’re pretty weak right now, but that’s just between you and me . . . If that ever got out . . .
RESMAN: Sure, sure . . . Are you over or under on their first game?
POTUS: Over.
RESMAN: Me too. If you don’t mind me asking, who’s your bookie, Mr. President?
POTUS: Biden.
RESMAN: Yeah. Of course.
POTUS: Once more, as I said, I’m in a big hurry. Rick Perry’s chasing Bernanke down 16th Street . . .
RESMAN: Yes, yes, I understand. So, Mr. President . . . may I call you Barack?
POTUS: No.
RESMAN: Yeah, I knew better. So, how may I help you, sir?
POTUS: I need a reservation for around 9:30 this coming Thursday night, after my big jobs speech to the House and Senate.
RESMAN: Yes, sir. We’re all looking forward to that speech.
POTUS: Oh, yes, thanks so much.
RESMAN: I was really P.O.’d when Boehner froze you out for Wednesday night. Since when does a congressman trump a president?
POTUS: Well, yes, but I didn’t want to cause trouble, so I moved it to Thursday.
RESMAN: Thursday. Yeah. But, sir, if I may be candid. Thursday is football night. The first real games of the regular season. Who do you think will be watching you? No offense intended, but … NFL football trumps a president every time.
POTUS: I’m taping my games.
RESMAN: Not me. I’ll be watching them real time! At least you didn’t preempt the games. If you had, you may as well resign. . .
POTUS: I agree. That’s all I’m hearing around the White House today. I always forget to check the t.v. schedule before committing to things. I thought that’s why I had Biden . . .
RESMAN: Biden, schmiden . . .
POTUS: Exactly.
RESMAN: Anyway, Mr. President, I’m a bit busy, and can’t tie up the line much longer. You said you wanted a table for 9:30 p.m. this Thursday night for after your big speech?
POTUS: Yes. Michelle and the kids will be there. That’s all who’ve committed thus far. Everyone else . . .
RESMAN: . . . wants to watch football, right? Yeah, if you’d called me first, I coulda told you . .
POTUS: Next time.
RESMAN: O.K., good. Well, sir, Thursday night is a big night here – first NFL game, and the bar’s gonna be overflow . . . tables are pretty much crammed up right now, sir . . .
POTUS: Are you telling me . . . ?
RESMAN: No. No. We’ll find some way to fit you in. But we’ll have to make cuts in reservations elsewhere before we can.
POTUS: But can’t you just make a little more room for us with another table? I could bring my own table . . .
RESMAN: No. I’m afraid we’re already out of space, and we can’t make more. I’m looking at the reservations list, and I just don’t see anywhere to cut. Most of our guests are regulars. They’d like to accommodate you, sir, as would I, but . . .
POTUS: Did I mention this was an emergency? I can’t find a table anywhere for Thursday. I even tried Baltimore. . .
RESMAN: Yeah, football night. I know.
POTUS: Did I mention that I’m the President of the United States?
RESMAN: Yes, sir, you did. I cannot tell you how honored I am to talk with you.
POTUS: And?
RESMAN: Well, let’s leave it like this. We’d love to accommodate your party Thursday night. And I like you. So I suppose I could cut here and there and make a little room for you. . . but right now I’m not in favor of that. You never know, though.
POTUS: Please.
RESMAN: O.K., O.K. Let’s say I find some room. I can cut and snip here and there. I’d have to seat your party in the kitchen, though . . . there’s already a few parties in there . . . But if I cut a couple of guests and promise them a free meal at a later time . . .
POTUS: Yes. Yes . . .
RESMAN: I’d have to bill you, sir, for those meals . . . You could put it on your credit card.
POTUS: That’s just fine! Good. Thank you so much.
RESMAN: And it’ll be painful to cut those guests from Thursday night. They’d been looking forward to it . . .
POTUS: Would a personal tour of the White House help smooth things over?
RESMAN: Yes, sir. I think that’d seal the deal. Oh . . . My wife, sir, she’s a great admirer and . .
POTUS: Yes, yes, of course, she may come too.
RESMAN: And you will – personally – give the tour? Just want to be sure about your commitment . . .
POTUS: I’ll sign anything. But can I count on those tables in the kitchen this Thursday night?
RESMAN: “Those” tables? I was thinking one table . . . How’d we get to “those tables,” plural?
POTUS: Well, Secret Service contingent. Four more tables. I just assumed . . .
RESMAN: That’ll entail a lot more very painful cuts, sir, people who already have reservations, sir.
POTUS: Well, the same deal goes. You feed them later, on me. I’ll put it on my credit card. Tour of the White House with me as the tour guide . . .
RESMAN: That’s a lot of mouths to feed. You sure your credit limit will cover it?
POTUS: Yes, yes, I’ll call Mastercard and get them to increase my debt limit . . .
RESMAN: Didn’t you do that last month?
POTUS: That was different.
RESMAN: I’m just reservation manager, Mr. President. Not sure I understand where you’ll get the money, but you are the President, and I’m willing to take a chance on you. O.K., we’ve got a deal. We’ll see you and your Secret Service folks this Thursday at 9:30 p.m.!
POTUS: Oh yes! God bless you.
RESMAN: One other thing, nothing special, but you say you’re the President. You sound like him, but voices can be faked.
POTUS: No, no, it’s me, really.
RESMAN: Well, yeah, like I just said, you say so. But just to be certain, on Thursday night, can you bring an I.D.?
POTUS: Sure, sure. What would you accept?
RESMAN: Your driver’s license . . . Oh, and your birth certificate.
POTUS: [click]
