Although it delivers a knockout punch to common sense, Trump’s popularity among Trumpers has risen after each of his four indictments. Being the stable genius type, he’s not blind to the opportunities that presents. So, this afternoon he convened his campaign staff to consider those possibilities.
Our reporter, Isaiah Schultz, an avid golfer, jumped at the chance to sneak in. His contemporaneous notes are printed below:
Donald Trump enters the room where approx. 47 staffers (and me) await his remarks. It’s 3:18 pm DST here in Mar-A-Lago. Oh, man, what a golf course he has here! Really nice with very evil sand traps that I’d likely find my ball in.
Anyways, here comes Trump, from the golf course where he tells us he set a new club scoring record, a mind-boggling 15 under par! He may be a bit of a slouch as a president but . . . A golfer? Oh, my God . . . Trump, sweaty, shirtless, mounts the podium and begins. Following the usual mandatory applause, the best golfer I know starts the discussion.
“Look, the only reason I brought you here is to give me some ideas that I will say are my own, but you know that. If not, get the hell out of here. Have you ever seen a more beautiful and perfect place than Mar-A-Lago? Have you?”
A few dozen hands go up but he ignores them.
“Have you noticed how my popularity goes up highly after I’m indicted? And that’s not easy being already at the highest levels in our beautiful country’s history. But even with that record under my belt, I want more, there’s never enough popularity to have in your pocket. Am I right?”
A few hands go up, accompanied by super quiet snickering, again ignored.
“I’ve racked up indictments for political crimes, business crimes, obstruction of justice, witness tampering, fraud of all kinds. And they’re all felonies!! Tell me, what other presidents have done what I’ve done in the crime area? Tell me, who?”
The group chants: ‘There’s no one crookeder than YOU! There’s no one crookeder than YOU! There’s no one crookeder than YOU!'”
This clearly pleases Trump, indictment record holder, and super golfer in my book.
“Let’s get on with why you’re here,” says the world’s best presidential golfer, ever. “I want you to give to me what will actually be my ideas for other crimes I could commit at certain points in the campaign season. Season, that’s what they call it. We’re only in the first inning, and four indictments won’t cut it for the next 15 months. These MAGA folks want to be excited, and true crime is their wheelhouse. Everyone knows it. We must keep them fed with indictments.
“I’ve got some ideas from other people but they’re mine really. Here’s one I like. I haven’t yet robbed a bank, but I tell you I’ve always wanted to. You know? Don’t you want to? So, the day before the first Republican candidate so-called debate, I’m going to knock off the Federal Reserve in D.C. I’ve got real heavies ready to carry it out, like ex-cons; Secret Service Agents who have to do whatever I tell them; pro wrestlers; lots of disgruntled MAGA’s; certified lunatics; former jailed GOP politicians numbering in the thousands. All of them on call. Oh, and I’ve got the Coast Guard primed to make my getaway back here to Palm Beach. Some kind of plan, right?”
The crowd answers lustily, including me, I must confess. “You are the best! There’s no one better than you!! You are the best! There’s no one better than you!! You are the best! There’s no one better than you!!”
“I’ve set up a group of committees to come up with future crimes after we take down the Federal Reserve. There are so many available. I’d like some federal crimes, state crimes, some crimes that haven’t happened in a hundred years, like cattle rustling, that may be one of those. Think out of the box. Space crimes maybe. Don’t leave out international crimes. Here’s a funny one: How about I get caught sneaking in to Mexico? I could tell them I’m seeking refuge from political persecution.”
And even I had to agree with that one. Mexico has some fine golf courses!
Brilliant! There are so many beeyoutifull crimes: poaching, arson, embezzlement, kidnapping, counterfeiting, cheating at golf, . . .