Vivek Feels He Was “Too Shy” During Last Night’s GOP Debate, Vows to Up His Game

“I was a little under the weather last night and my energy was sapped. I was too shy. I’ll be a reenergized Vivek next time.” Vivek Ramaswamy, GOP presidential candidate, 11-18-2023

Mr. Ramaswamy’s lackluster and bashful performance at last night’s debate has campaign staff worried that his innate diffidence will eventually sink his chances. “GOP folks want to see some fire in a candidate. Vivek too often lets other candidates speak. He knows he has to be less self-effacing, yet in his soul, he cannot. He’s a lot like me. We both need to learn to show off a bit,” observed his debate coach, the celebrity superstar Kanye West, who also suffers clinical introversion.

Vivek: I let my supporters down. Again. But I was sick. Threw up immediately offstage into some stage hand’s baseball cap. Humiliating, for her, and especially for me, a hopeful presidential candidate.

Shultz: I guess tonight was a major disappointment.

Kanye: Really. And soul crushing for me too. After all, I prepared him, I forgot to double dose him with Dramamine . . .

Vivek: Kanye, Kanye, you’re too hard on yourself. Much too much.

Shultz: I sense a sad mood, an almost desperate defeatism . . .

Kanye: Well, we don’t feel like we’re leaving any impression on the debate audience – of millions – and we’re running out of ideas . . .

Vivek: Yes, but I can only be me. A gentle farm boy type, who cares about his lambs who he knows he must send off to slaughter. I cannot even raise my voice to argue with a door-to-door insurance agent. I buy the most expensive car on the lot at the sticker price and then add a hundred dollars tip for the salesperson when a fifty dollar tip would suffice. Or should it be seventy-five dollars? I don’t know . . .

Kanye: Don’t beat yourself up, Vivek. We’ve all done those things. Being self-serving and abrupt is for others, like those abrasive ones Nikki Haley and Chris Christie.

Shultz: I understand. Your natural timidity – laudable as it is – is out of place during a rough and tumble presidential race. But to be noticed as a player in the race you must realize that more energy and verve is needed if you ever want to be noticed. If I may I suggest a motto for your debate prep sessions, “Noticed first, elected second!”

[Vivek and Kanye nod in agreement and do an awkward and reserved high-five]

Vivek: I need to up my game is what you’re implying. I see it now. But I’ve tried to attack my opponents at every turn . . .

Shultz, interrupting: Commenting that Nikki Haley’s shoes have 3-inch heels, Mr. Ramaswamy, is an extremely mild attack, in fact, some who admire 3-inch heels would label it a compliment. . .

Kanye: I think he’s got something there, Vivek. Perhaps at the next debate you should say, “I think your 3-inch heels are unattractive,” that would be memorable.

Shultz: Yes, Mr. West, but memorable for the wrong reasons. It’s like telling Chris Christie, “You’re expertly tailored suit fits a bit too tightly.” You have to go for the jugular!

Vivek: But attacking the jugular would endanger the life of the other candidates . . .

Shultz: Not literally, Vivek, no one is asking you to attack other candidates literally.

Kanye: Yes. But perhaps you’re on to something here. We need to find a suitable target for attack. I agree, Vivek, we must not attack other debate opponents, in fact, they never attack Donald Trump, who they hope to defeat. They’re like you in that laudable reserve. So who can we attack, Vivek. Who?

Vivek: Possibly . . . the debate audience? . . .

[Shultz, desperately trying to interrupt, failing]

Kanye: Yes, that would free you from criticism that you attacked the other candidates or Mr. Trump . . .

Vivek: And the audience has no stake in the debate, no personal ties. Yes, let’s do that.

Kanye: That’s what Mr. Shultz would call “Noticed now, elected later.” . . .

Shultz: Definitely not! That’s what I’d call “Noticed, and later physically pummeled in the parking lot!”

Vivek: Nonetheless, may I humbly assert, we need to try something. Right now, my voice is like a pebble dropping into the mighty ocean. Next debate, I’ll be noticed when I respectfully, but brutally, attack the audience. Noticed then, elected later, is what I say.

Kanye: Right on, brother!

Shultz: Dear God, this is why Jesus wept . . .