On her first day as teacher of Donald Trump’s nursery school, 21 year old Annie Kirkman, reluctantly crowned him as class president, vice president, attorney general, and chief justice of the class judicial system. She also agreed to designate him as “boss” of all rules, homework assignments, Lego use permits, and recess.
Annie Kirkman and Class Assistant Susan Meadows
“He was just so orange, and so charismatic and, well, psychopathic, I really had no choice,” said Miss Kirkman who was surrounded by his henchpersons wielding heavy Legos and juice cups. “And he threatened to fire me on the spot, and replace me with my class assistant, so what could I do? Also, four out of ten pupils supported him, and that, with me and my assistant, makes a majority. My nursery school is a democracy!”
“He chased me around the classroom,” reported Class Assistant Susan Meadows, “yelling things I’d only heard before from yucky 40 year old creepy men. Of course, I fully defend his first amendment right to express himself!”
Detention Master Valenti
Trump reported Miss Meadows for insubordination to the Commandant of the Corps of Cadets, Tony Valenti, who gave her a full week of round-the-clock detention in his office at the New York Military Academy where she will perform duties related to his needs.
Master Trump’s presidential portrait does indicate a certain determination and level of psychosis that promises just the right mix to lead a nursery school in the 21st century. We wish President Trump and the New York City Military Academy Nursery School Class of 2023-24 well!
Although it delivers a knockout punch to common sense, Trump’s popularity among Trumpers has risen after each of his four indictments. Being the stable genius type, he’s not blind to the opportunities that presents. So, this afternoon he convened his campaign staff to consider those possibilities.
Our reporter, Isaiah Schultz, an avid golfer, jumped at the chance to sneak in. His contemporaneous notes are printed below:
Donald Trump enters the room where approx. 47 staffers (and me) await his remarks. It’s 3:18 pm DST here in Mar-A-Lago. Oh, man, what a golf course he has here! Really nice with very evil sand traps that I’d likely find my ball in.
Anyways, here comes Trump, from the golf course where he tells us he set a new club scoring record, a mind-boggling 15 under par! He may be a bit of a slouch as a president but . . . A golfer? Oh, my God . . . Trump, sweaty, shirtless, mounts the podium and begins. Following the usual mandatory applause, the best golfer I know starts the discussion.
“Look, the only reason I brought you here is to give me some ideas that I will say are my own, but you know that. If not, get the hell out of here. Have you ever seen a more beautiful and perfect place than Mar-A-Lago? Have you?”
A few dozen hands go up but he ignores them.
“Have you noticed how my popularity goes up highly after I’m indicted? And that’s not easy being already at the highest levels in our beautiful country’s history. But even with that record under my belt, I want more, there’s never enough popularity to have in your pocket. Am I right?”
A few hands go up, accompanied by super quiet snickering, again ignored.
“I’ve racked up indictments for political crimes, business crimes, obstruction of justice, witness tampering, fraud of all kinds. And they’re all felonies!! Tell me, what other presidents have done what I’ve done in the crime area? Tell me, who?”
The group chants: ‘There’s no one crookeder than YOU! There’s no one crookeder than YOU! There’s no one crookeder than YOU!'”
This clearly pleases Trump, indictment record holder, and super golfer in my book.
“Let’s get on with why you’re here,” says the world’s best presidential golfer, ever. “I want you to give to me what will actually be my ideas for other crimes I could commit at certain points in the campaign season. Season, that’s what they call it. We’re only in the first inning, and four indictments won’t cut it for the next 15 months. These MAGA folks want to be excited, and true crime is their wheelhouse. Everyone knows it. We must keep them fed with indictments.
“I’ve got some ideas from other people but they’re mine really. Here’s one I like. I haven’t yet robbed a bank, but I tell you I’ve always wanted to. You know? Don’t you want to? So, the day before the first Republican candidate so-called debate, I’m going to knock off the Federal Reserve in D.C. I’ve got real heavies ready to carry it out, like ex-cons; Secret Service Agents who have to do whatever I tell them; pro wrestlers; lots of disgruntled MAGA’s; certified lunatics; former jailed GOP politicians numbering in the thousands. All of them on call. Oh, and I’ve got the Coast Guard primed to make my getaway back here to Palm Beach. Some kind of plan, right?”
The crowd answers lustily, including me, I must confess. “You are the best! There’s no one better than you!! You are the best! There’s no one better than you!! You are the best! There’s no one better than you!!”
“I’ve set up a group of committees to come up with future crimes after we take down the Federal Reserve. There are so many available. I’d like some federal crimes, state crimes, some crimes that haven’t happened in a hundred years, like cattle rustling, that may be one of those. Think out of the box. Space crimes maybe. Don’t leave out international crimes. Here’s a funny one: How about I get caught sneaking in to Mexico? I could tell them I’m seeking refuge from political persecution.”
And even I had to agree with that one. Mexico has some fine golf courses!
Following his arraignment today, Donald Trump declared on Truth Social that he’d enjoyed his “very good day,” especially since he was forced to “fly to a filthy, dirty, falling apart, & very unsafe Washington, D.C.” He didn’t mention that, as far as it’s true, the “filthy, dirty, falling apart, & very unsafe Washington, D.C.” was essentially on his watch. Nonetheless, for all but the certifiably loony, he did not have “a very good day,” in fact, if his brain were functioning he’d know his day pissed all over him. Shouts of “lock him up” rained on him by the bucketful.
Many details trouble him. The accusations are, of course, the most troubling. The fact that he cannot pardon himself “just by thinking about it” also rankles. He cannot escape to Cancun in some sort of orange-colored disguise, although he still has a passport, so we’ll wait and see. He doesn’t like the judge, the bailiff, the court reporter, the concession stand, the lack of a swimming pool, and there’s no putting green. He wants and needs this trial to be televised since he’s most comfortable at a circus.
Why is she talking to me?
In effect, he simply doesn’t like the idea of the whole thing. He asked his “blood sucking lawyers” to request a change of venue, from D.C. to West Virginia, among his “soul peers” where a friendly jury awaits. This request was found guilty and summarily dispatched, by his own blood-sucking lawyers.
Mar-A-Lago? Scotland? Here come the judge?
Undaunted, the offensive defendant quickly suggested another venue from a long list of alternatives, one that, he said, “would be a win-win, although I detest win-wins where I have to share.” He pointed out that Mar-A-Lago would be a pleasant venue for all involved. “Fine dining, free; two or three swimming pools that are the best ever built; a large ballroom, the very best for a trial; a holding cell more luxurious than the D.C. jail should it be needed; and a fabulous and very best in the world golf course where her honor may enjoy discounted green fees. If not Mar-A-Lago, then I have a world’s best golf course in Scotland. This is my last offer, Judge Chutkan!” She is said to be giving his offer serious consideration, given her avid interest in swimming and golf.
Donald Trump was indicted for violations of three federal conspiracy laws, and for deprivation of citizens’ rights to have their votes honestly recorded and counted. Moreover, appearing among the charges was one of his favorite pastimes: obstruction of justice. (Indictment .pdf) This adds to his already impressive indictment collection, today’s indictment is number three. More to follow is likely, especially that indictment that’s been stewing in Georgia and all signs point toward September. Unprecedented in our history was his first indictment of a former president. Trump is an innovator, though, he wants to establish a record that no future president will overturn, even an energetic one.
But we can report tonight that he’s already in the sky, off to join Ted Cruz in Cancun. Ted, of course, has been in Mexico to avoid a martial arts challenge by Barbie who he criticized for having a controversial map of Asia in her blockbuster movie. This he called Chinese communist propaganda, thus the dust up, thus the skedaddle to Cancun. See our coverage. Trump, also facing a thumping by federal prosecutors, decided to join in, bringing his two daughters Ivanka and Mercedes who apparently were hungry for mind boggling 120 degree heat in Cancun.
Trump, through one of his last unindicted spokespersons, explained, “This so-called skedaddle was to please my two daughters who say it’s been a long-term dream for us three to spend time together. There is no time scheduled for our return, but we certainly will return for my inauguration in January 2025. So, as the Mexicans say, ‘sayonara’ until then.”
Ted Cruz had no comment primarily due to his refusal to come out of his hotel room.
Toward the end of July, Donald Trump gleefully proclaimed on Truth Social that he will do what only the dumbest criminal defendants do: he will take the stand in his J6 defense. This, in Trump’s case, is a prosecutor’s dream scenario.
Here’s what he wrote:
We’ll have fun on the stand with all of these people that say the Presidential Election wasn’t Rigged and Stollen [sic]. ‘THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY!!!’”
His lawyers must have passed out. If he’s indicted for his J6 shenanigans, Trump explaining himself in the witness box would be fun. However, not for him. His mouth has a habit of making things worse. So much so that testifying in his own defense would surely lead to (1) multiple convictions (2) more criminal indictments; and/or (3) reasonable grounds for an insanity plea. So, let’s encourage him. Perhaps sign on to Truth Social for a few minutes and fire him up!
Today, Donald Trump announced that he had received a target letter from the Office of the (Jan. 6th) Special Counsel. Generally, a target letter leads to an indictment. Immediately after receiving the letter, the former president issued his own target letter to “the US government.” Written in hand paint and ketchup on chunks of dry wall, he specifically lambasted Special Counsel Jack Smith, whom he accused of “politicaling [sic] the J6 which [sic] hunt.” In closing, Trump dismissed the Office of the Special Counsel; “everybody says I should have done this sooner, and now I did.”
Appoints Himself the “Real President”
Also, President Joe Biden reported receipt of a target letter, accusing him of “treesun [sic] for unlegally [sic]” carrying out his duties and “enforcing the BIG LIE” that he is the president. Moreover, Trump claimed that Biden had politicized every component of the Executive Branch. This includes the big and the small, for example, the Institute of Museum and Library Services, the survey office of the Department of Interior, and all janitors. Finally, he included a White House eviction order.
As for the Rest . . .
He next turned on the judiciary where he overturned all judicial decisions – state and federal – that held that his big lie was, indeed, a big lie. Dismissing all judges involved, including life tenured judges, he demanded that all judicial robes, gavels, and paraphernalia be returned to Mar-A-Lago.
The legislative branch was sent packing as well. He repeated his observation, “I alone can do it,” but promised to select new Members “to replace the blood sucking Democrats in a hurry.” He finished with a flurry:
“I shall personally be the entire membership of Congress, asuming [sic] the office of the Speaker of the House and President of the Senate, which also makes me Vice President.”
Trump target letter, July 18, 2023, drywall panel 3
The former president ventured far from the traditional target letter. Nonetheless, his originality often results in a dramatic rise in his poll numbers. Speaker Kevin McCarthy, still the Speaker until Trump’s orders take effect, observed:
“Well, of course I condemn it and he should withdraw it immediately, yet he is the president. He can do what he pleases, which I approve wholeheartedly.”
We’re living in an era as yet formally unnamed, but as history marches on Donald Trump is the odds on favorite to dominate it. Among his attributes we already know, lying will be front and center in any telling. Lying in all its forms, from white lies to blue lies to preposterous lies, to lies about microscopic things (the COVID virus Clorox cure) to bold universe embracing whoppers (“I alone can do it.”). Lies that stun like a charge of electricity, and lies that cause you to question your sanity, sometimes simultaneously. In short, he’s a savant of prevarication, a creative lying machine fueled by . . . what, we do not know. That’s a task for some seven year old child, today wondering how egrets fly, who will eventually unravel the Gordian knot of Donald Trump, perhaps, thereby to win the Nobel Peace Prize.
In the past few days Trump’s falsehoods have thrown confusion to his enemies, notably all those involved in preparing the government’s case against him in the documents case (Documentgate?), particularly Special Counsel Jack Smith and his courtroom team. The question reminds one of the board game Clue: “What actually happened in the ex president’s office at his Bedminster, New Jersey cottage, sometime in July 2021?” And – Clue aficionados – did the butler hide the tape recorder with a screwdriver in the office near the garden?
Except it is, like, highly confidential. Secret. This is secret information. Look, look at this. This was done by the military and given to me.
At that time Trump was in a meeting with a publisher and a writer working on a Mark Meadows memoir. During the meeting he casually displayed what he termed as military plans that were “highly confidential, [and] this is secret information,” and he disclosed that he had not declassified them while president, neither formally nor telepathically. He encouraged them to look at the documents. One could hear them shuffling around seemingly having wings.
They laughed and laughed, one said, “Now we’ve got a problem” as Trump bemoaned that he could not now as an ex-president declassify the document. Declassify a newspaper article? Why, for example, did Trump say this about the document he was discussing, “Except it is, like, highly confidential. Secret. . . .This was done by the military and given to me.” Like a ten year old, at the end of this sequence Trumps says “It’s so cool.” This scene of excitement and hilarity was kindred to a group of ten year olds looking through their buddy’s stolen baseball cards.
I told you I wanted a par 70 course!! Resume your duties.
Next, by stretching his big lie into a new shape like a balloon aficionado, Trump told FOX news that he was referring to “plans of a golf course” and “building plans.” So, the documents supposedly viewed so excitedly by his Bedminster guests were golf course plans? Apparently the golf plans were in the bailiwick of the Department of Defense. General Milley had a second assignment: golf course architect. That’s another classification in Trump’s taxonomy of lies, the stupid lie that is effective when fed to his supporters who, context challenged, will gobble it up. True context, however, suggests “preposterous.” More was quickly to come.
Bravado
Few bought his preposterous lie that he had no classified documents (except the usual suspects). Never daunted, after the initial lies were nearly unanimously panned, our virtuoso liar came up with a new idea produced in his laboratory of falsehoods, and a splendid one it was. Counter intuitively, a form of bravado. He’s bragging about all this? Yes, but with a purpose.
I would say it’s bravado,” Trump said, according to reports from both [FOX’s] Scott and Talcott. “If you want to know the truth. It was bravado. I was talking and just holding up papers and talking about them, but I had no documents. I didn’t have any documents.
“If you want to know the truth.” Starting a sentence with “if you want the truth” does nothing but prove his previous excuses as lies. Yet, he’s still lying, he’s lying about his claim of bravado, which he advances as defense number three. It was not bravado at all, it was another lie which he called the truth. He’s lying about telling the truth, explicitly.
This is where it gets interesting, and in a Dr. Evil sense, brilliant. “If you want to know the truth” sets up empathic, sympathetic folks (widows, orphans, liberals) to think, “Ahh, now he’s going to tell us everything even if it embarrasses him. Good. We all boast sometimes, don’t we?” In sum, he purports, explicitly, to tell the truth, when in fact he’s lying about telling the truth about what he also presented as truth in his previous pair of whoppers. Taken together, these consecutive and contradictory excuses provide a prima facie case that the was displaying classified defense-related materials. He strives here to do two things: elicit sympathy by implying “I’m only human” even at some embarrassment to himself, and with some evil savvy, to distract, distract, distract by throwing confusion at the enemy. This is called, in his lexicon, the bravado ploy.
Recall that all of this started with his blatant and ridiculous initial lies that he was not displaying classified documents, or that they were golf course plans, or it was all bravado. We now have three nonsensical lies to deal with (as of June 30, 2023). For a confused media the ratings game afoot may be to argue away valuable time about whether or not Trump displayed classified documents, but to parse each of his three tall tales. For what reason? Ask Donald Trump, Grand Master, Lying.
[This will be updated as perhaps more lies emerge.]
Donald Trump the serial defamer (TSD) of E. Jean Carroll, who recently won a $5,000,000 civil defamation judgment against him, may not know this but he is criminally liable for defamation in thirteen states. Given his irresistible impulses to defy everything from common decency to criminal law it is likely that he will continue to defame her (and others). What, if anything, can be done?
In fact, during this Wednesday’s infamous CNN town hall he repeatedly defamed E. Jean Carroll, in New Hampshire, a state with a criminal defamation statute , and in front of an estimated three million witnesses, both town hall attendees and household tv audiences. And all this one day after he lost his New York civil case. In doing so, he perhaps violated the state’s penal law(NH Rev Stat § 644:11 (2022)):
“644:11 Criminal Defamation. – I. A person is guilty of a class B misdemeanor if he purposely communicates to any person, orally or in writing, any information which he knows to be false and knows will tend to expose any other living person to public hatred, contempt or ridicule. II. As used in this section “public” includes any professional or social group of which the victim of the defamation is a member.
Source. 1971, 518:1. 1992, 269:17, eff. July 1, 1992.”
Ms. Carroll, now considering filing a new civil defamation suit based upon TSD’s libelous remarks during the CNN town hall, ought to consider pressing a New Hampshire criminal charge against him, one that – given the words of the statute – points to a TSD violation. Note though, due to first amendment considerations, and TSD’s slippery nature, criminal defamation charges would be difficult to prove. Also, in New Hampshire a conviction does not merit jail time (although most states do) but they “may include monitoring by the department of corrections if deemed necessary and appropriate,” i.e., visualize TSD sporting an electronic surveillance cuff.
Despite these caveats a TSD charge is serious – and newsworthy – and a conviction would incur a criminal record; of course, that is something that MAGA types and some pundits would describe as a boost to his electability. Nevertheless, despite the odd popularity of criminal convictions by MAGA acolytes, up to thirteen states may be in the position going forward into the 2024 campaign to compile a record of defamation charges, and perhaps, convictions.
We can only hope something shuts him up, eh?
Many States Await
NOTE: Below is a table of the 13 states that have criminal defamation laws, prepared by Minc Law, which asserts, “In most states, a victim must show that the defamer knew their statements were false by proving it ‘beyond a reasonable doubt. ‘Civil libel cases, on the other hand, require a lower standard of proof than criminal cases.” But we can dream. . .
“Every person who willfully, and with a malicious intent to injure another, publishes or procures to be published, any libel, is punishable by fine not exceeding $5,000, or imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six (6) months.”
“Defamation is the malicious publication or expression…to anyone other than the party defamed, of anything which tends: to expose any person to hatred, contempt, or ridicule, or to deprive him of the benefit of public confidence or social intercourse…”
“Whoever with knowledge of its defamatory character…communicates any defamatory matter to a third person without the consent of the person defamed is guilty of criminal defamation and may be sentenced to imprisonment for not more than one year or to payment of a fine of not more than $3,000, or both.”
“Whoever, with knowledge of its defamatory character, orally, in writing, or by any other means, including by electronic communication, as defined in 45-8-213, communicates any defamatory matter to a third person without the consent of the person defamed commits the offense of criminal defamation and may be sentenced to imprisonment for not more than 6 months in the county jail or a fine of not more than $500, or both.
“A person is guilty of a class B misdemeanor if he purposely communicates to any person, orally, or in writing, any information which he knows to be false and knows will tend to expose any other living person to public hatred, contempt or ridicule.
“Libel consists of making…or circulating without good motives and justifiable ends, any false and malicious statement affecting the reputation, business or occupation of another, or which exposes another to hatred, contempt, ridicule, degradation or disgrace.”
“If any person shall state…to the manager, editor, publisher or reporter of any newspaper or periodical for publication therein any false and libelous statement concerning any person or corporation, and thereby secure the publication of the same, he shall be guilty of a Class 2 misdemeanor.”
“A person is guilty of a class A misdemeanor if he willfully publishes defamatory matter or knowingly procures such publication or in any way knowingly aids or assists in the same being done.”
“Any person who makes a libel, willfully publishes one or willfully or knowingly aids in the making of a libel may be punished by up to one year in jail and/or a fine of $1,000 (and shall be liable in civil court to the injured party).
“A personal is guilty of criminal defamation if he knowingly communicates to any person orally or in writing any information which he knows to be false and knows will tend to expose any other living person to public hatred, contempt, or ridicule.”
“Any person who knowingly and willfully states…any false and untrue statement…concerning any person or corporation…shall be guilty of a Class 3 misdemeanor.”
“Whoever with intent to defame communicates any defamatory matter to a third person without the consent of the person defamed is guilty of a Class A misdemeanor.”
