June 18, 2011
12:55 p.m. (EDST), Wash., DC. An unnamed source close to the investigation of “Weinergate,” an offshoot of Senator Harry Reid’s investigation of “12 Unnamed Senators,” revealed that a forensic discovery will all but certainly result in Mr. Weiner’s escape from the controversy with his moral character unblemished. Speaking anonymously from his small office within earshot of the office kitchenette in the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms, the source revealed the following: Since May 22, 2011, Congressman Weiner has been participating in a hush-hush Department of Energy (DOE) development program, approved by the unanimous membership of the House Energy and Commerce Committee:
- The DOE program requires the congressman to wear a device on his person at all times in a place on his body directly related to the objectives of the study;
- The device cannot, with present technology, be monitored directly due to the high risk of damaging certain of Mr. Weiner’s smallest and most vulnerable organs;
- In light of this, the DOE requires that Mr. Weiner report in at least 12 times per day to the DOE monitoring staff via a classified Twitter account;
- His required tasks include that Mr. Weiner provide an encrypted image (.jpg) displaying the entire front portion of his underpants. This allows DOE genito-urological researchers and mechanical engineers to collect the device’s size, durability, strength, and vibration data throughout the day and evening;
- Congressman Weiner is required by the rules of national security to not divulge his participation in the program described above. Therefore, he has been unable to respond honestly to reporters and critics of all stripes. For the last week, this security-imposed silence has, of course, led to speculations of the most lurid kind.
Conclusion? Hands Off Weiner! Mr. Weiner surely has weathered the most difficult storm of his congressional career. The congressman can now entertain his dream of a stint as New York’s mayor, or a leap to the U.S. Senate in 2012. Critics, including Jon Stewart, Mr. Weiner’s longtime friend, ought to apologize soon. Let’s see if they have the – may we say – cojones.
From his hospital bed in New York’s Donald Trump-financed Institute for Severe, Inexplicable, and Hilarious Mental Conditions, for his service to the DOE, the nation ought to applaud his volunteer work rather than picking on his wiener.
