The Anthony Weiner Underpants Probe, UPDATE  — Forensic Study Lifts Weiner

June 18, 2011

12:55 p.m. (EDST), Wash., DC. An unnamed source close to the investigation of “Weinergate,” an offshoot of Senator Harry Reid’s investigation of “12 Unnamed Senators,” revealed that a forensic discovery will all but certainly result in Mr. Weiner’s escape from the controversy with his moral character unblemished. Speaking anonymously from his small office within earshot of the office kitchenette in the Office of the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms, the source revealed the following: Since May 22, 2011, Congressman Weiner has been participating in a hush-hush Department of Energy (DOE) development program, approved by the unanimous membership of the House Energy and Commerce Committee:

  • The DOE program requires the congressman to wear a device on his person at all times in a place on his body directly related to the objectives of the study;
  • The device cannot, with present technology, be monitored directly due to the high risk of damaging certain of Mr. Weiner’s smallest and most vulnerable organs;
  • In light of this, the DOE requires that Mr. Weiner report in at least 12 times per day to the DOE monitoring staff via a classified Twitter account;
  • His required tasks include that Mr. Weiner provide an encrypted image (.jpg) displaying the entire front portion of his underpants. This allows DOE genito-urological researchers and mechanical engineers to collect the device’s size, durability, strength, and vibration data throughout the day and evening;
  • Congressman Weiner is required by the rules of national security to not divulge his participation in the program described above. Therefore, he has been unable to respond honestly to reporters and critics of all stripes. For the last week, this security-imposed silence has, of course, led to speculations of the most lurid kind.

Conclusion? Hands Off Weiner!  Mr.  Weiner surely has weathered the most difficult storm of his congressional career. The congressman can now entertain his dream of a stint as New York’s mayor, or a leap to the U.S. Senate in 2012. Critics, including Jon Stewart, Mr. Weiner’s longtime friend, ought to apologize soon. Let’s see if they have the – may we say – cojones.

From his hospital bed in New York’s Donald Trump-financed Institute for Severe, Inexplicable, and Hilarious Mental Conditions, for his service to the DOE, the nation ought to applaud his volunteer work rather than picking on his wiener.

Wolf Bites Weiner – CNN’s Blitzer Shocked That Weiner Lied to HIM!

June 16, 2011

Heaven FORFEND!!!  Wolf Blitzer, the shell that once had guts, is this minute explaining to whoever is the CNN moderator at this hour just how hurt and upset he is that Anthony Weiner lied to us all, and more: “He looked into my eyes and lied.” Gosh. That’s like peeing on the Pope’s shoes, huh? 

Wolf Blitzer has on nearly every occasion, and for many years, spouted conventional wisdom. When in that period has he actually done journalism?  He’s become one of the great bullshit artists on t.v.  Plus, he often deems to lecture about morals and ethics. Surely, he’s not in the same absurd cadre as Glenn Beck, Bill O, or Gingo Gingrich, but he does go on. And just a few minutes ago he unloaded on Anthony Weiner. Weiner’s worst sin, it seems, was lying to Blitzer. The goofball moderator asks him, “Has he apologized to you?” No, he has not, and Wolf acted out being nonchalant about it, “and I wouldn’t expect him to.” Of course. Blitz did announce that Weiner must “man up,” that rightwing phrase so favored by essentially weak persons. Weiner must finally tell the absolute truth, Wolf directs. 

Finally, and I hate (really) to beat this drum constantly, but as usual for the media in this circus performance, Blitzer didn’t even try to put Weiner’s situation in context. No mention of GOP sexcapades superstars, Senator David Vitter, or Ex Senator John Ensign, whose digressions are in a decidedly more professional league than Weiner’s Little Little League.

One astute blogger, Fixer, at Alternate Brain, asks the 64 Trillion dollar question, though, and, a la Blitzer, I deeply resent that he beat me to it:

When you say Anthony Weiner has to “man up” and come clean in his upcoming news conference, do you mean the way you and your colleagues in the press “manned up” about cheerleading us into the Iraq War?

The Anthony Weiner Underpants Probe — Breaking News: Senatorial Underpants Pop Up in Harry Reid’s Twitter Account!

June 15, 2011

WHOOPS, There It Is!  In the wake of NY Congressman Anthony Weiner’s Twitter woes, in the wee hours of Friday morning things got worse. Lots worse. Not for Mr. Weiner, but for the U.S. Senate. At 1:00 am (EDST) before a solemn and sleepy Washington D.C. press corps, the Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-NV), announced that his Twitter account had logged 12 tweets from 12 senators. Each tweet featured “a picture of the legislator in his underpants.” Reid then promised “to investigate quickly, before a bunch of basically inanimate senatorial reproductive organs sully the entire Senate’s moral reputation. I have already called on Minority Leader McConnell to assist me in this effort.” At present, however, Reid told reporters that he “firmly believes” that the dozen senators involved “acted alone, as individuals. God help us should we discover a coordinated congressional cabal of penis poppers in the people’s house.”

He continued, clearly embarrassed, “I cannot understand this. The median age of the offending senators is in the mid-70s, and due to advancing age, many have not, shall we say, ‘noticed’ their own reproductive organs for many years. Why then this flurry of activity?”

U.S. Senate Psychiatrist Opines. Reid then introduced the Senate psychiatric team Director, Dr. Drew Edwards, who speculated, “Although the team has yet to forensically examine the 12 [senators], we suspect the sudden appearance of Congressman Weiner’s difficulties pushed these senators’ innate competitiveness to levels they could not suppress. For example, Senator Reid’s office informed us that some of these senators will run for re-election in 2012. Seeing the attention Congressman Weiner has captured, they may have considered his alleged tweet a savvy political move, and simply copied it. Since the first Congress, the two bodies have pursued a lively competition. Mr. Weiner’s leadership role in this issue area likely caused a state of deep discomfort among senators, which may have unleashed the dragons within. In any event, the mental health team plans to move quickly. And perhaps through the agency of elderly senators’ underpants and penises we shall learn more about how to prevent this inexplicable behavior that has the Senate in its grip . . .”

Mr. Reid, however, applauded Edwards’s plans to examine the inner workings of certain senators’ heads. Addressing Dr. Edwards, he offered “hands-on support to the Senate Mental Health Directorate. I will bypass the rigid Senate rules implemented during the Clinton era – rules dealing directly with underpants, penises, and other suchlike sex organs and the things they do.”

As for the federal budget discussions, the debt limit battle, and the “various wars we’re in all the damned time,” Reid declared, “these issues will be put aside indefinitely so that the Senate may concentrate all its attention on the senators’ underpants.”

GOP Minority Leader McConnell Displays Rigidity. On the other side of the aisle, Republicans, Senate and House, were silent, although many legislators witnessed freshmen congressmen and congresswomen giggling, and consequently wetting themselves.

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), the Minority Leader was, however, far from silent, accusing Senator Reid and Senate Democrats of trying to “push the ball down the road on the budget and debt ceiling.” He went on, “Senator Reid demands that I view these underpants tweets. My duty is clear when the Majority Leader speaks. I shall view these images. I shall do so, however, without the Majority Leader or any staff present. I will examine these emails, or tweeties, or whatever they are called, very closely. Moreover, I intend to review the disgusting images again and again until my duties are exhaustively discharged. But I shall not enjoy it.”

After pausing a few moments to rest, catch his breath, and adjust his pants, Senator McConnell went on, “This underpants brouhaha is a false issue, badly delaying the Senate’s legislative duties. Today, however, I must peer into the private life of 12 senators, their underpants, and their clothed peni. The Founders of our great nation mentioned neither underpants nor peni in the Constitution. But the Majority Leader insists. Underpants! Underpants! Peni! Peni! I’ve said enough. Despite my constitutional objections, out of respect for the Majority Leader, this very day in his office, I shall vigorously investigate, and carefully investigate 12 senatorial underpants.” 

Flaccid House Democratic Leaders Call for Weiner’s Resignation

His “voluntary” leave of absence announced today – obviously engineered by Pelosi – marks a nearly certain end to the career of a man who took the fight to the enemy with magnificent moxie. And to be sentenced without reflection or rationality by his own political family is shameful. His was a summary execution for offenses of very small consequence, a triumph of “civility” in the face of the shameless and hypocritical party of Vitter/Ensign. Nowhere did Minority Leader Pelosi or DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz call out Louisiana Senator David “Ho’monger” Vitter, nor did Pelosi mention the ethics hearings she had been so charged up about last week.

This new chapter in Weinergate began at 2:00 pm yesterday, when the WaPo reported:

The top leaders in the Democratic party called on embattled Rep. Anthony Weiner (D) to resign Saturday, a potential tipping point in the two-week long scandal involving the New York Democrat’s online liaisons. ‘Congressman Weiner has the love of his family, the confidence of his constituents, and the recognition that he needs help,’ said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif.). ‘I urge Congressman Weiner to seek that help without the pressures of being a Member of Congress.’ Of Weiner, Democratic National Committee Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla.) said ‘the behavior he has exhibited is indefensible and Representative Weiner’s continued service in Congress is untenable.’ Weiner spokeswoman Risa Heller said Saturday afternoon that the Congressman ‘departed this morning to seek professional treatment to focus on becoming a better husband and healthier person.’ She added that he would request ‘a short leave of absence from the House’ after which he would make a decision on his political future.’”

Under The Bus, and Then Off The Bridge. O.K., one can agree that the congressman really stepped in it. One can be disgusted with him, disgruntled, or just mystified. I agree, but I’m not going to waste time with all that. So far, what I’ve read and heard leaves me shaking my head, not much more. In the realm of adult-to-adult behavior, Weiner’s offenses were mild, at best;  I certainly can’t volunteer to throw the first – or any subsequent – stone. I felt the same about Republican Chris “Craigslist” Lee when he resigned last February. Neither man had violated so-called “black letter” law.

Weiner’s behavior does bring Congress under a moral microscope, and that too is understandable. In a philosophical sense, though, the House displays far worse moral behavior than Weiner’s – and it’s not remotely sexual. Witness Republican proposals to impoverish millions for the sake of Ayn Rand and Paul Ryan. Sex, though, is a trump card in scandals; one’s urge to look away is always shellacked by one’s curious glee. We’ve all giggled like fourth graders since the story reared its ugly head. When any behavior, sexual or otherwise, crosses into the area of illegality, like non-sexual misdoings of former House Speakers Gingrich and Wright, sanctions are called for, and resignation plausible. When alleged illegality is absent, though, as with Weiner, then only the moral question remains. And for many years, disagreements over morals have divided our country decisively. And sex scandals? Wow.

Given that national moral paralysis, and the obscene choice of letting Congress decide Weiner’s fate, let’s separate our moral opinions of Weiner’s poor judgment, and put this mess where it belongs, in the hands – and votes – of his constituents. Thus far, they’re in his corner. If they want to rid themselves of him, if they consider him a moral wasteland, they will do so in about 17 months in the 2012 election. Period. Paragraph.

Flaccid House Democratic Leadership Quivers. Speaking of morality, is there a level of moral flaccidity so stultifying that it requires a declaration of time of death? If so, the House Dems are trending that way. You can see the quotes above – Pelosi’s astoundingly insincere concern; Wasserman Schultz’s usual moral certainty and overreaction; and the silent others, most of whom couldn’t deign to throw the man a life preserver. Sadly, by and large, this is the Democratic party today. With some exceptions – like the unabashed partisan Weiner – it’s been that way for years.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Ball.  Here, the Dems once again allowed the GOP to deploy one of their favored tactics: the cynical use our sense of morality against us. It always works like this:

1. Weiner did as wieners do, and got caught, then lied, and thereby injured his wife, family, supporters, constituents, etc. etc.,

2. GOP cynics quickly jump to roundly condemn him. With long faces, shocked demeanor, and self-righteous falderal they lecture him, the Dems, and us just plain folks on the consequences that ought to befall such moral failings, such sexual “creepiness,” to paraphrase the skeevy GOP Chairman, Reince Prieibus.

3. The hypocritical GOP song and dance goes on to boost the favored position of their own party’s family values, and thereby draw in and rally their base constituency (and I mean “base” in both its senses).

4. When it’s pointed out to them that they inexplicably express no concern whatever about the likes of the departed GOP Senator John Ensign, or the (still seated) GOP Senator David Vitter, the GOP en masse goes utterly deaf, and simply pushes aside these questions as irrelevant and improper. 

5. As the aforementioned Reince Priebus told Greta Van Susteren last week, “I’m not here to re-litigate the David Vitter story.” Last night he said the Vitter matter “is a seven year old story.” Wow! A virtuoso. See? Thereafter and forever, as we’ll see, the GOP stays completely on message and cycles it again and again, mentioning God, the dignity of the House, ethics, morals, family values, and all their balderdash.

6. When Democrats – dumbly – think they’re falling behind, that a “morals gap” is opening, they – dumbly – do not fight back, but instead – dumbly – overreact and, in Congressman Weiner’s case, they go for what they believe will be the winning blow, and instead kick themselves in the groin by displaying rank cowardice, and ironically, moral weakness. Isn’t loyalty is a moral act?

Let’s face it, unless it’s revealed that Weiner violated any state or federal law, the likely illegal acts of Vitter and Ensign make Weiner’s bad behavior look like a schoolboy in short pants unleashing a spitball. You see, most of the GOP elite has no interest at all in a definitive set of moral values except as a tool to build a following among their now largely evangelical political base, especially now with the Iowa straw vote approaching. Faking it, however, causes the base to conclude their GOP celebrities are plain folk too, just like them.

Here’s what’s key, though. The Democratic party time and again reacts with a head down long sigh of shame. Do they fight back?  Do they vigorously explain to the American people the Grand Canyon-sized distance between Weiner’s case and Vitter’s or Ensign’s?  Simply put, do they fight for one of their own, regardless of how mixed their feelings are about his abrasive legislative personality? Of course not. Why? To Democrats these days, fighting back with the unvarnished truth about GOP hypocrisy would violate one of their leading principles: don’t look “angry,” or “aggressive,” or, most of all, don’t sink into “incivility.” And that’s how the GOP plays our own values and morals against us, values they do not themselves share, do not even credit.

Sometimes A Cigar Is Just a Cigar – Attributed to Sigmund Freud. This GOP indifference is particularly true of sexual morality – witness David Vitter canoodling with prostitutes as often as his constituents say “Obamacare” on an average day. Look there at Gingo Gingrich, burying his “ethics” in then staffer Callista Bisek (now Callista Gingrich) at the same time he was driving the country insane trying to impeach Bill Clinton. How about Speaker-elect Bob Livingston who was to succeed Gingo after he resigned? This “family values” guy was rabid for Clinton’s impeachment. Oh, and which Louisiana politico replaced Mr. Livingston? Another “family values” guy, David Vitter! This cynical use of moral beliefs held by their constituents pays off at the ballot box, and then, in office they work steadfastly against the needs of the very plain folk who bought their bill of goods and put them in office.

So, by pushing Congressman Weiner to resign, the Democratic party leadership, and the vast majority of the Dem caucus, have as usual fallen headlong and clueless into the GOP trap. They allowed the GOP, that pack of lying hypocrites, to determine Democratic tactics. To avoid at all costs the appearance of having backbones, Pelosi, Wasserman Schultz, and the weasel pack ran sniveling and panicked into the deep hole prepared by the GOP. This will, in its cowardice, as always, cause some more voters to turn away from the “Democrat” party in disgust. Civility in answer to provocation is not a moral victory, it’s a moral failing.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus Talks Weiner -They Really WILL Say Anything!

June 8, 2011

Yesterday, on Greta Van Susteren’s On the RecordReince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee got up on his hind legs to discuss wieners.  Anthony Weiner’s wiener, to be exact.  Reince was in high dudgeon, to be sure. A tornado of botheration was he:

“VAN SUSTEREN: All right, you say [Weiner should immediately] resign.

PRIEBUS: Well, yes. Obviously, after all that, the man is a creep and an incessant liar, and I think that’s pretty obvious. You don’t need an investigation to figure that out. What I think is more outrageous, though, Greta, is the fact that Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz of the Democratic National Committee is not calling for this guy’s resignation! I mean, the guy is an incessant liar. And listen, it was Nancy Pelosi, you might remember, who said that she was going to drain the swamp in Washington and clear the field of these kind of people. And what does she do? She calls for an ethics investigation. Now, either she condones the behavior or she calls for his resignation. That’s her choice.

VAN SUSTEREN: Well, you know, he’s still — I mean, it still makes sense to go through a process and give him a hearing. I mean, we’ve all pretty much reached our judgment about him. I mean, the pictures are quite damning. But he’s hired by the people in his district, you know?

PRIEBUS: Oh, really? I mean, do we need to really, though, Greta, spend taxpayer dollars on an investigation to determine whether or not Anthony Weiner is a creep? I mean, we know what the story is. We know what he did. The guy lied. He brought reporters back in the hallway when he knew he was lying, came back outside into the hallway, lied again. Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats ought to show a little bit of leadership and get this guy out of town.” 

The Persistence of Memory.  Recall that Priebus, the man with a surname as dead-on a term for wiener as Weiner, launched no righteous indignation at Ex-Senator John Ensign whose skedaddle from the Senate via resignation was a millimeter ahead of the posse he knew was about to expel him summarily. Remember too, Reince Priebus had no particular concerns about then Louisiana’s Congressman David Vitter  whose prominence on the D.C. Madam’s “frequent rider” list might have garnered criminal solicitation charges in D.C. Vitter, for God’s sake, took calls from the Madam on the House floor, during votes! (Vitter, rather than resigning from the House, stayed on, then won his Senate seat in the next election. ) About Vitter, here’s what Priebus told Van Susteren , who, by the way, admirably held his feet to the fire:

VAN SUSTEREN: Is there a difference with Senator David Vitter, I mean, with the whole — with his whole little prostitution — he’s on a prostitution client list. Is that different?

PRIEBUS: Well, I don’t know if it’s different. I mean, this is…

VAN SUSTEREN: Well, nobody called…

PRIEBUS: Frankly, I’m not relitigating the David Vitter situation. We have…

“Relitigating”? The Vitter sex machine was neither litigated, nor prelitigated.  There’s the rub. Weiner, as far as we know today, is not alleged to have violated any law; Vitter, prima facie, many allege, appears to have done so. Priebus has a very selective moral sense – the very “moral relativism” the GOP goes on and on and on railing against. Of course.

Resign, Schmensign!  Earlier yesterday, Priebus began his parade of hypocrisy. He appeared on MSNBC’s Martin Bashir show, calling Weiner a “creep,” as if creepiness were a violation of Senate rules. If that were true, how have Joe Lieberman, Mitch McConnell, and David Vitter remained senators? 

Priebus also rages about Weiner’s lying to the press and the American people as well. That apple doesn’t fall far from the Republican tree either – John Ensign brought the lie to Shakespearean heights. And Newt Gingrich? Who can define the infinite space his lying occupies? John Ensign? Oy!  Yet, of course, Priebus supports them all.

Stand Up For Weiner.  Anthony Weiner appears as of now to have violated no law. He’s likely examining his psychological and moral life overtime. He lied about a sexual peccadillo, involving adults, between adults. He harmed many – principally his wife, Hilary Clinton’s closest aide at State. Yes, he embarrassed Congress, yet, Congress, with few exceptions, is an institutionalized embarrassment.

Anthony Weiner does have some sexual issues (who among us dares throw that first stone?), and he will deal with them; he did not, though, as Ensign did, canoodle with the wife of another man, both of them, mind you, members of his staff. Unlike Ensign, Vitter, Mark Foley, John Edwards, Newt Gingrich, and many others, Weiner never deemed to instruct us about the superiority of his own “family values.” Getting lectured by Ensign, Vitter, and Gingrich, is like getting ethical investment guidelines from Jack Madoff or Goldman Sachs.

Won’t You Stay, Just A Little Bit Longer.  Mr. Weiner ought not to resign. Far worse have remained for more outrageous and potentially illegal acts.  The House banking scandal sent Kentucky Congressman Carroll Hubbard to jail. Illinois’ Dan Rostenkowski went too. Real crimes; real disgrace; real candidates for expulsion.

Indeed, Mr. Weiner, as Congressman Weiner, has lost much of his legislative mojo. His inimitable rants at GOP congressloons may fall silent, although the boxer-tough congressman may fool us. For the progressive cause silencing the congressman would bring more silence to an already mostly passive Democratic House; for the GOP that would be a triumph. They do not happily abide news coverage of Mr. Weiner putting their hypocrisy, their incessant lies, and their simple meanness on display. He’s in trouble now, and he’s a friend of the progressive cause, and thereby a friend of the lost middle class and all those who aspire for small successes and a decent wage. I’ll not abandon him at his neediest hour. Let the Priebuses prattle on.

Anthony Weiner Is Not Funny Anymore

June 6, 2011

Pants Fell Off in Public.  Today, Anthony Weiner, the exhausted New York congressman, admitted that he had indeed sent that infamous tweet to a 21 year old Washington state college student. Also, he admitted other similar bad conduct involving telephone conversations, computer usage, and Twitter. Nancy Pelosi has asked for an Ethics probe, and quickly thereafter the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee’s Rep. Steve Israel released this:

“Congressman Anthony Weiner engaged in a deep personal failure and inappropriate behavior that embarrassed himself, his family, and the House. Ultimately, Anthony and his constituents will make a judgment about his future.

“To remove all remaining doubt about this situation, I agree with Leader Pelosi’s request that the House Ethics Committee use its authority to begin an investigation.”