Supreme Court Justice Thomas May Someday Coordinate Travel Agency Services for the Entire Federal Judiciary

How We Got Here

Today, ProPublica revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas enjoyed more than 38 vacations and accepted many other unethical gifts over the past 30 years, all gratis and unreported. In effect, he’s a one man travel agency. ProPublica wrote:

“At least 38 destination vacations, including a previously unreported voyage on a yacht around the Bahamas; 26 private jet flights, plus an additional eight by helicopter; a dozen VIP passes to professional and college sporting events, typically perched in the skybox; two stays at luxury resorts in Florida and Jamaica; and one standing invitation to an uber-exclusive golf club overlooking the Atlantic coast.”

Recently, we highlighted Justice Sam Alito’s free Alaskan fishing trip provided by billionaire Paul Singer. According to ProPublica’s initial expose of April 2023, Thomas accepted dozens of more expensive offers of “hospitality” from billionaire Harlan Crow than what we know thus far about Alito who characterized the trip as nonreportable “hospitality.”

Today’s ProPublica report extends further, and Thomas apparently is the Chief Justice for Hospitality of our highest court. These new revelations have restoked the fires of criticism, some calling for penalties like IRS audits and impeachment.

“Perfectly suited for the job, indeed.”

Here at They Will Say ANYTHING! we discovered that Justice Thomas may now be aware that his silent noncooperation is a double edged sword. He has, it appears, confounded his critics by stating bluntly his advantage of life tenure; his position within a coequal branch of government; his absolute need for frequent vacations which he cannot afford; his political “read” on the long odds of a successful impeachment; and, finally, his general damned cussedness. He’s been a tough competitor. . . until, perhaps, these new ProPublica revelations. After all, his protective sword has two edges, one to defend, one to injure himself via overconfidence. Even he, lolling in entitlement, may think that this time he may sooner or later be looking for another job.

Our reporter, Matt Shultz, spoke today with a member of the Judicial Conference, Chief Judge Jonathon Simpson, of the D.C. Circuit to discuss today’s ProPublica bombshell report. The Judicial Conference is the Judiciary’s entity that “considers administrative and policy issues affecting the federal court system . . .”

Shultz filed this report of his interview of Judge Simpson at the Capitol Building restaurant The Disgruntled Toad:

Matt Shultz (MS): Welcome to the Disgruntled Toad, Judge Simpson! Have you been drinking, or is it me?

Judge Simpson (JS): I believe, Matt, that it is you based upon the fact that you are sitting on the floor.

MS: The Toad serves a powerful Vengeful Donkey . . . But let’s get on with this. Apologies, but I can’t get off the floor . . . But let’s get on with this . . . The topic is Justice Clarence Thomas. Anything to say?

JS: Indeed. Indeed. Justice Thomas has a luxurious lifestyle, certainly, And that is not unethical unless he lives his self-styled lifestyle based upon, for example, accepting and not reporting the donor’s hospitality. It is true here, with us, I contend, and I shall report this fine dinner of the Toad Burger.

MS: I thought this was Dutch treat . . .

JS: Indeed, you did, and I appreciate your hospitality.

MS: OK, OK . . . but no dessert and no Toad tee shirt! Shall we get on with this?

JS: I thought we were ‘getting on with this. Indeed. Are you any closer to being able to get off the floor and into a chair?

MS: OK. I’ll jump right in. The way I see it, Judge Thomas is in a supersized bag of [curse word]! This is the second time in a few months he’s been caught shimmying himself into rank and ugly hospitality! Just like I’m the donor of this dinner. You’re shimmying!

JS: Not accurate. You called me and did not inform me of your intent to cause me to make any contribution monetarily.

Was It Worth the Extra Dessert and Tee Shirt?

MS: I don’t understand your legalese, but I resent it anyway. Look, let’s get on with this. So what do you think about Judge Thomas’s hospitality grift? Do you think he’s in a state of meltdown? Would you pay for his dinner here? Like the dozens of billionaires who hospitalitied him for 30 years. These are people who might have court matters before the Supreme Court! He himself has barely noticed the anger of the American people! How would you punish this behavior?

JS: Regrettably, I agree that the Justice is tormented by, as you say, the “American people.” I wish I could do something to assuage his mind. Indeed.

MS: So that’s it? Let’s cry real tears for a grifter?

JS: I am simply remaining neutral and balanced so that in the end I do not truly voice or opine any judgement at all. I, too, must remain fair and balanced.

MS: Well, I presently have no notes on this interview in-name-only. But answer me this? If Judge Thomas is ultimately ousted or successfully impeached, and then definitely hospitality starved, would you offer him a job?

JS: I would but your insistence on no dessert has led to a state of low blood sugar . . . . and would my words be off the record?

MS: OK, dessert’s on me, as always happens on interviews with lawyers . . . oh, and doctors. Would you offer Judge Thomas a job . . . or an internship at the Judicial Conference? Oh, but at They Will Say ANYTHING! we don’t do ‘off the record.” If I throw in a second dessert . . . and a Disgruntled Toad tee shirt?

“Your Hospitality Causes Me to Weep”

JS: Indeed. Your hospitality causes me to weep. So, yes, of course I would offer, then, former Justice Thomas a highly significant job. And that is something he has extraordinary experience over more than 30 years, and “off the record,’ I have already had a very satisfactory conversation with Justice Thomas. He is extraordinarily in a ‘Yes’ state of mind. The judicial system has for years not offered many services for judges who seek hospitality, or to realize their vacation dreams. Therefore, as the head of a new department at the Judicial Conference this, then, former justice would, I believe, accept the title Chief of Hospitality and Judicial Travel Agent.

JM: So rather than correcting the problems visited on the court’s reputation, your plan is to allow Clarence Thomas to regularize hospitality grift for the entire federal judiciary.

JS: Indeed. And Clarence has great strength in coordinating complex donor hospitality offers to sitting judges. Taking such coordinating activities off the tired shoulders of judges, both male and female, by the way, would free them up to do more judging. It’s as you say, ‘a no brainer!” A good relationship with hospitality is owed to federal judges, and Clarence would create a streamlined automated matching service that will, indeed, create a happy judiciary. And no court, obviously, would declare this activity unconstitutional.

MS: You know, that is an enticing job. I wish I were a grifting Supreme Court justice . . .

JS: Indeed, my good man, indeed! Was that off the record information not well worth the extra dessert and tee shirts?

MS: Tee shirt, singular, not plural! Meaning one!! Dammit!